I Fell Ashamed of Having Best Friend

In these recent years, I have never had any best friends

I did have some close friends which I considered them as "bestfriend" but I no longer do that now because of some reasons

When I was in my teen age, I just noticed that those who I thought as best friends are not actually best friends 

They are mere close friends 

Friends whom I used to hang out with, accompanied me everywhere, 

sitting side by side during classes and

doing crazy things together 

We were getting close due to several reasons and occasions 

I no longer believe in "best friends relationship" thingy 

One of it is because I think it is a commitment 

When I acknowledge someone as a best friend, I was thinking that 

there is a commitment for each other to get knowing almost everything about each other 

But not knowing everything make us stick together as a friend, right?

In my way of thinking, if u called someone as your best friend, they deserve to know everything 

I have some old friends a.k.a childhood friends whom I currently seldom interact with 

But there is a special connection between us that makes me think that they are my bestfriend 

We knew everything about each other's personal details back then 

But as the time passed by, we got separated due to timing reason and watching each other's progress from screen 

We didn't know much about each other anymore 

There is no one is wrong here

It just the matter of fate 

But deep in my heart, I always remember about them and the fond memories still in my heart 

Sometimes they appear in my dream as well

It is saddening when I think that they are my best friend but I feel that they didn't think the same

I was several times felt that I am not matter to them anymore 

I even missed out some important things happened in their life

and I have not been informed about remarkable things about them as well

My heart feel quite heavy to talk about this 

because I really nurture a friendship but got keeping out makes me feel sad sometimes

It is not only a disappointment 

but it is quite tiring for me to take everything seriously into my heart 

Thus, I told myself,

We don't get to know someone because we have to 

We get to know them because we are willing to

People share when they feel like doing so

They have right to hide it as they want

We might once standing at the same junction on the roadside 

But, our life lead us to different path then after

We are growing up and getting older day by day

I don't want to take into my heart when people exclude me in anything

I don't want them to feel guilty of not checking me out every now and then

and I don't want to feel any guilty of not knowing everything about them either

From that moment, I choose to not address any friend as my best friend anymore

I want to break free from those expectations in friendship that I was once dictate 😃

I do have several close friends

These close friends knew only some portions of my whole life story 

I have a close friend but we are far apart in distance 

I feel ashamed of myself to address her as my best friend 

and even more ashamed to call my self as her best friend

Why?

Because I am lacking of information about her

She is the one who I always looking for where I pouring out my very personal matters and feelings 

I do know her personal things as well 

but 

I don't know about her as much as she know about me 

I always confuse about her siblings number and even never knew their name

There are many things that I still not know about her 

so how could I call her as my best friend and 

how could she thought me as her best friend?

Here's a thing

I set my bar quite high for a relationship  called 'best friend' 

My best friend should be someone who know everything about me and I knew everything about them

Their personal feelings, their love story, their family matters, their struggle, their hardest time, their insecurity and almost everything

Yes

To that extend

That is me

A best friend is not just a friend who close to me

That is why, until this very day, I don't have any best friend

I yet to reach that level

I do have people where I share about A but that person having no idea about B 

And there is another person who knows everything about B but know nothing about A 

A, B, C or D could be about anything 

Either regarding my family matters, my insecurity, my works, my sickness, my financial, my lover, my daily life and stuff 

I don't share everything to only one person 

I'll go to first person to share silly jokes or some gags due to how synchronize our brains are

I'll not looking for that first person again for another issue that oppose her scope of interest

I'll find another person to express my view regarding some random thought to discuss together

There is different person for different thing respectively

As for me, "best friend" never exist.

We will stay just F.R.I.E.N.D and I am super okayyyy with that 😍