Tomorrow

I fought
I tried
Don't act blind

What about my bad day that is still ongoing?
If can't fix it or cry ugly with me,
how about leave off
or at least avoid adding some more
into my tiny heavy heart

When I laughed,
it doesn't mean that it's easy

When I make people happy,
it doesn't mean that I'm smiling all the time

I don't want to stoop down and go low
I want to be better

My mental state
My emotional graph should at least go higher than yesterday

I'm trying to find my own peace
Please treat me better 😢

2021

Saw trend on socmed where people compiling 2021 in 1 single clip

There's lot of accomplishment

A lot of memories created compared to the previous year

Probably happened when goverment allowed citizen to do intercity movement and rentas negara oso

People are travelling like crayyyzehh

My feed and stories are flooded by... either Langkawi or Cameron Highland 

And of course a lot more placed that I have just discovered

There are some mates who tied the knot as well

I'm genuinely overwhelm happy seeing them 

for whatever they have achieved

I casually scroll my phone gallery and not to surprised, 

there is nothing much compared to last years, 

except there is more pictures of cats in it 🤣

To be frank, I don't have so many significant moment in 2021

But i'm so glad that it's not that worse

I feel my life is so stagnant 

But I just vibing and it goes like..

"ohh..stagnant is not so bad".

As for me, 2021 is so much about introspection

It's about adjusting, questioning, correcting and experimenting

I learn to be moderate and spill good word

I wish to speak good or remain silent

I wish to attain more than what I have now

In every aspect

I rarely set a bombastic goals

I did it in my past but it seems unrealistic 

I gave up half way & quit

If  have choice, I want to do everything, my way

But I have rule to follow, circumtances and some heart to take care of

So I end up do what other want me to do 

cuz I realize, ohhh..I don't live on my own..

I live with people and sometimes need to turn my eye blind

I figure out a lot more things 

i.e. self-possession, self- control and apprehend more about maturity

There were several times when I refrained myself to speak my heart 

Feeling like my heart is popping out

But then, I just slipped it thru

Something it's better left unsaid to avoid unpleasant moment

I don't give a sh*t 

I just..

okay..let it go..I'm not perfect, so do people

warever happens, happens

and sometimes I was like..

I will die anyway

I don't live forever and this dunya is temporary 

So gurlll..what's a big deal?

I will sure wake up tomorrow, for sure

It just the place

Either in my bed or in barzakh

If I'm gone, no one will remember the worth 15 minutes-choosing outfit I wore last week in my Instagram

no one will notice jokes I tweet recently  

some will cry for a couple of days 

some might throw a little throwback about me

and?

Yup! They will continue their lives as usual,  days after

and me? continue my life there with no one accompany 

After all, to Him we will return 

I don't want to be a person who chasing for dunya from dusk to dawn 

I might also unable to let it go all in once 

Who is the person I might becoming?

Probably the same 

but perhaps

a little bit 

wiser.

Pink vs Blue

 

Sometimes I don't believe in gender ideology that people been talking in social media

"Girls be like.."

"Guys be like.."

"If a woman said ..... that means they want..."

"Guy always.. but woman usually..."

Nahhh

It's not always true 

Somehow, this gender principle could rescue a person from getting accused

and sometimes, it also become a reason for someone who is false to escape 

just by raising their gender-card

I have always always always heard people been joking around..

"woman always right"

I wrote 'always' for 3 times due to how frequent it happened

There is a looot of memes and clip referring to this longtime gender-conjecture

I honestly okay with that and I can join them to laugh over the memes 

rather than pull out my pouting face

I'm not offended to that cuz I knew, it's not about me

Somehow I was questioning, is it true?

Is it true that woman always want to be oways right and hardly admit their mistake

and at last making guy seems wronged in so many cases?

Every time I come across this hypothesis, I end up laugh!

Cuz you know what? 

I happened to encounter the opposite scenario

I did face some scenarios when man refuse to let their fault, busted 

They always wanted to appear perfect and clean

I'm not even joking when i said this cuz it legit happened around me these days

They seems completely plague that some people might knew 

that they did mistakes while in fact, 

they obviously accidentally did the mistake

They don't want some particular people to found out that they are wronged

The funnier part is, the reason they don't want people to know their weakness 

is not because they afraid of getting mad but it is because they can't accept that they are wronged

So why did people said woman always want to be right 

while woman are so fragile and softer than man

I mean, in term of acceptance, I saw more cases when woman seems to surrender and let man win

Cuz they said that man is surround by egocentric behavior

Have u even seen man continuously say sorry repeatedly?

I rarely see that but I did saw a looot of woman say.."sorry 100x" when they accidentally making small clumsy mistake

This apologetic manner seems close related to woman, not man

So how and why did the gender theory of "woman always right" still circulated among us? *weird

As for me, I think the more I try to prove the point that I was right, 

the more I think that I'm acting stupid

So I end up say sorry to  wrap up the case

And some guys I knew, they easily apologize to not prolong the arguments 

They more likely to let woman win just because they don't want to lose their woman 

over a small argument 

But in some cases, I personally prefer to have an intelligent and fair discussion and 

a man cannot easily let a crucial things slide cuz it is unhealthy in social in moral context

If a woman is wronged, man should point it out in an acceptable manner 

It might takes a couple of moments for a woman to accept 

But still, it is a basic rules in life

Do mistake > apologize > reconciliation

Regardless the gender, this steps cannot be taking lightly

Back to "who is wrong" issue, I need to throw 2 questions

First:

is woman are always give up and take the blame and 

is man always refuse to admit their fault?

Second:

is woman always want to be right and 

is all man being tolerance most of the time?

Maybe some theory or scientific research could prove that 

but still we don't need to stick on that like it is a holy book 

and refer to it solely like a cult

After all, everything depends on one's personality and perhaps maturity?

If he responds that way, yes because he is he 

not because he is a guy

If she react like this, it is due to  her character, not because she is a girl

You got what I mean? 🙆

I'm enough

 

So several days ago was my birthday

So what's new?

Nothing much

That was first time in my life when I bought myself cakes for my own birthday!

hahhaa!

People might call me pathetic but I just don't care

My adik laughed at me and I laughed oso! 😂

I intentionally set my birth date in my Facebook from public to private

So no one gonna get notification for my birthday 

I have no rigid reason

Probably I just want to hide from getting overwhelm wishes

I just shy

Yes simply..shy

In the morning, I woke up with no wish from my family hahhaha

Yes cuz they can't see the notification in Facebook

This is exactly my family's ambience 

We rarely celebrate this kind of occasions and I'm totally okay with that

It's fun that only my closest friend WhatsApp me to wish, 

they probably remember or do they set reminder on their phone?

Whatever it takes, I'm so happy to received the wishes

Let's call it a day after I got a wish from important person in my life 💓

While washing the dishes I asked my mom, what day is today?

She said..."ahad la..."

I replied..."mak..hari ni hari jadi kami la" 

My mom came and asked if I'm serious and I laughed

I ask my mom, what cake she like to eat

Then I went to secret recipe and get my mom's favorite chocolate cake

Actually I did this in prior before others did

I don't want them to get those for me 

Last year my sister surprised me with a bouquet of Cadbury and cupcakes

So I worried that she might do the same this year cuz I don't want to bother anyone, 

as I dislike celebration and fancy surprised or anything related to it

I personally don't favor people sing birthday song and recording me cuz I feel as if I'm a kid 😅

It's fine back then when my friends did and I was enjoyed pranking and stuff 

When I'm getting older, I no longer wait people to celebrate my birthday

I learned to give myself present and treat other for meal instead

My friend said, it is a 'selflove' but I guess it is 'actual freedom'

This year, I constantly giving the best for my own self but not beyond my means

That is why didn't I expect anything from people around  me

However, I did received 3 birthday gifts this year which I think it is uncommon

Hahahah Alhamdulillah

I'm more than happy

I don't deserve their kindness

When I woke up in the morning of my birthday, 

I suddenly remembered what this world takes me along my 20++ years

But I don't feel like pouring it all here cuz it might take a week to finish 

plus there's nothing exceptional 

I'm living in my own simple life 

Having some ups and down moments 

So there is nothing much to share regarding my own journey

Someone I knew once questioned about a well-known young national author 

who write books of his own life, 

"why did that author wrote books about himself?

Is his life better than anyone else that he need to write about it for inspiration?'

Correct...everyone went to school, pass and failed during the exam and stuff, 

what makes his story soo different and special? 

My friend got his points! hahaha

I thought, the author just write and publish but if the books publication hit bullseyes 

and he then he got large fanbase because of that, what can we say?😂

It remind me of some people hate Taylor Swift for constantly writing songs 

about her own love relationship story 😆

And currently Lisa Blackpink also release her single, "Lalisa"

The lyrics goes like..."What's my name? What's my name?"

First time listened to that song, makes me wondered, is she being egomaniacal?

But when I listen to it repeatedly, why not?? Let her be 😆

After all, she did deserves the international recognition 

There is lover and haters, as it always be 

I mean we are living in a world of different audience with different perspective 

and it's fun to see such dynamic views who dislike this pattern

Some people probably see it as a blend of self-centered a.k.a narcissistic content 

but some of the audience seems having no issue accepting this kind of content 😄

By the way, talking about my own simple life, 

I do feel that..

not everything falls into places

But not everything is horrible either

I'm still the one who decided what to do, like I used to do

I usually took big decision on my own, even since teenager

What seems smooth and feel light in my heart considered the best for me

I'm not totally independent but that's how it happened like every freaking time

I kept my efforts and hurdles in silent and revealed the outcome once it all over

That probably become the reason why I did face some hard time accepting people's criticism 

cause some people are absent most of the time but once I spoke the my final word, 

they suddenly appear with their unwanted opinion 😅

Giving opinion is oookay as it is a 'caring' gesture and I appreciate 💓

But it just about the timing 

I notice that I don't really care what people said anymore

Yes, sometimes it stirred my heart and feeling offended is normal

But I choose to ignore even though it's not easy

At first I was thinking, getting a high amount of salary, 

affording a car, a house and everything is the level of success of an adult

Is it?

I heard people said that we cannot succeed in a comfort zone

Is it?

It is funny when u are just happy with bare minimum in your life

You are not that rich or having fancy life but you just simply comfy and happy

But suddenly outsider said..

"you are sitting in a comfort zone, u should move to be happier and more success"

Why should I?

Just tell me why should I follow? 😆

I was exhausted of chasing the glory and expectations

just let me breath a little bit longer

I will move when I feel like moving 

As far now, I'm embracing

There is no meaningless pain and wasted tears

Every phase has a story to tell

My previous phases of life probably just quarter of what life will take me ahead

I might not reaching an ultimate life goals yet 

Sometimes I couldn't help but crying all of sudden even in the current moment

Crying is a love language

It means that u just being tolerate and be good to your own self

You allow yourself to feel the heartbreak, loneliness and emptiness

But when u woke up another day, U feel a lot better

I should admit that,

with a touch of God's mercy.....

I'm 

enough.

Self Affirmation

Why still write even nobody read?

People having no idea, on how writing can rescue a person during low moment in life

When someone couldn't even lift up the blanket to start a new day

The soul is going somewhere and failed to find the way back

Then writing become the only thing that someone can do 

in order to keep them survive thru the days 

It doesn't worth money, fame or attention

Just self affirmation 

We used to do something to overcome our sadness and sometimes we let people to step in 

We expect them to at least react to reassure our present 

Hoping someone notice and help us out

I used to do that as well

Reaching other people to help us

It's all about surviving, mate

Nothing is wrong with that

You do you

But at this level, I no longer wait for people saying some comforting words or react to whatever I'm doing

I don't need other people's approval to proceed or continue what I want to do

To pat on my back, telling me "good job" or "it's okay"

I don't need those approval

I guess this is sort of freedom that I have successfully achieved 

I rarely invite people to look around and visit

or even doing blog walking, dropping my link for them to follow

If  I have time and energy, I would love to do that like every single day

I love to that that cuz it's like a therapy 

Meeting people like me 💘

But sadly, I can't make it into my daily routine 

That explains how lazy I am

I don't bother if nobody come to read because I do it because of me, myself

But if there is anyone come and read, I couldn't be happier 😢💗

Dancing in Rain

Well, yesteryear, when it was the first time I wrote, 

I thought, leaving some footprint in here, should be cool

At least, I don't need to scroll down on my Facebook to see, what kind of person I was

The photos I left there and the captions soo cring to read

But in here, emm, it's okay lahh, because nobody gonna judge me about what I wrote 7 years ago

and I don't expect even a reply of my hi-5

I feel free

I just busy mending my own issue and don't care about others

It's just like dancing without anybody see

Silly!

But I just do it anyway

Still come here, writing pieces as if I'm special case or something 😂

In fact, I got no specialties!

I stated in my "Author" section at upper right panel

or probably in my very first entry in 2014

"passion", "pouring thought", "inspired by another author", etc.

ouch...cut the crap! 😆

Those are true peeps, but there is another 1 reason that drove me to sign up and create a blog to write

Actually,

1 of the reason why I started to write back then was because 

I did feel lacking in some aspect in my life

I was...emm..around 20 at that time

It was when I'm not sure if I did the right thing, taking the right course in my degree

I remember felt lost, carrying the past regret, 

series of failure on my back

I'm not pretty, smart, rich   

I'm not sure if my family still proud of me like they used to do when I was in primary school

I was not doing well during studies 

I felt low

Not an outcast but simply unattractive

I grew up with typical upbringing with no special or unusual moment in my life 😅

I don't have exceptional talent oso

Same to what I feel recently

So..

I was thinking at that time, how if I just do this

At least I have something that I can do, 

enough to make me feel valuable towards my own self.. hehe. 😄

What do I do?

 

People in my age are having sleepless night 

worrying about why their newborn didn't pee after 3 hours

Some others happily growing their toddler

There are some of my friends who started to jump from their workplace 

after several time contemplating

There also got several of them got promoted

and my old friends quit job to focus on their online business

When I look at them, I don't look with an envy eye

Cause I know, that it just the matter of time

I feel rather proud and respect 

So what do I do?

Should I feel left behind?

Sometimes yes

But we all know, some people might have A but they don't have B and vice versa

I realize that the timeline we have is so very unique 

Let them be, it's their time

I'm just here, enjoying discover my new jam

I'm okay listening to Radio Gaga by Queen while doing my work

reminiscences my old tale that I created by my own when I see rain drops

Repeating my buffer moment whether to open my PC or take shower first every morning

Whether to iron my hijab or just put on ironless one every time going out

Continuing scrolling my new favorite online outlet that I just found out

Sometimes I open my phone note, deleting and adding new point of to-do list that I plan to accomplish 

Every night, staring at the dark ceiling, 

thinking of my stupid thing I said to people and let that sink in.

Live This Way

Without we realize, we are all suffocating inside

we might look okay apparently

even introvert people started to taste emptiness and loneliness

even we are surrounded with friends, parents, siblings, spouse or kids

the feelings still there

I can't imagine how terrible people feel living alone, no one accompany

it kills slowly

our normal lifestyle being denied

we can't visit our friends

no lepaking at kedai makan anymore

some people even don't meet their parents for like a year or more than that

it's horrible

back in 2019, no one having idea that this pandemic will be this bad

are we take previous years for granted?

People are dying

If last year, we heard about people on the other place lost their families, 

but now, it's getting nearer

hospital are full with people carrying lethal disease, some untreated

Some people struggle to put food on table everyday

Some are fired, some lost courage to start over

too much tears flooding

too much tribulation 

but guess what,

fighting this turbulent is not worse than dealing with people behavior

our patience and faith being tested every single days

lot of bad news and issues lingering everyday, strike us in a row

How exhausted it was

everyone is struggling

even there is some silver lining on the other hand but trust me, 

each of us got our own struggle, 

and silent battle that we didn't speak about

alhamdulliah thumma alhamdulliah

personally, I'm not so much affected with this pandemic (in term of surviving mentally and emotionally)

maybe this is due to how familiar it was, from the recent years

maybe it just "live this way" for me

same feelings I have encountered

everyday try new thing to get rid of that feelings

it might not gone completely

but slowly fading away

what do I do to overcome those uncomfortable predicaments that keep coming?

nothing much I can do 

I just started to read books

Finished 3 books for twenty twenty one, other 3 books on the way  wallawehhh!!

it's quite fascinating for me considering myself who are NOT an avid bookworm

I started to bake since months ago, even it's not my forte

I'm not into sweet things, and the process before and after is renyah oso..

but I still did it

Do it till u like it yeah!!

emmm, that is all

the rest is just let the day passed by

always finding something new, just to distract my self 

trying to keep sane & contented

*btw, I'm considering to get myself a white-pinky mini bike 

that has rattan basket in front so that I can go cycling & feeling-feeling cute at the same time. 

Once I get it, I will definitely flex it here okay 😜😘

S.T.R.E.S.S

 

STRESS ni bukan benda baru gais
Dah dibincangkan mungkin berkurun lamanya
Mungkin daripada zaman tok nenek moyang kita lagi
Bukan setakat remaja dan dewasa saja
Hatta kanak2 pun barangkali boleh stress juga yaaa

Keserabutan
Tertekan
Tak tenteram
Risau
Rasa nak marah
dan macam2 lagi frasa yang selalu kita guna

Tapi pada akhirnya, merujuk kepada satu benda iaitu, stress

Aku tak bercadang untuk pisahkan unsur spritual dalam entry kali ni
Sebab pi mai pi mai, dia p kot situ jugak

Back to Allah

Benda tu semua orang faham

Cuma dalam memahami konteks permasalahan individu, tak adil jugak kalau nak tinggalkan seseorang dengan nasihat berbau spritual secara tunggal sahaja
Mesti kena merungkai cabang-cabang yang lain jugak kennn??

Aku selalu ja dengar sesetengah motivasi guna teori "feeling is do'a"
Which means,
apa yang hang rasa, hang fikir , itu yang reflect kehidupan kita
"aku sedih", so hang akan sedih laa
"aku stress", "aku marah", "aku takk okay"
Kepercayaan, apa yang kita fikir, cakap, rasa,
itu lah yang akan terjadi
So katanya kita kena buat reverse psychology.
Ubah negativiti itu dah tukar kepada kata antonym words
"aku happy", "aku tak stress", "aku tak marah pun", "aku okay"
So secara miracles nya, nanti slowly hilang perasaan kita tu

Walaupun reverse psikologi ni kedengaran seperti "wow!!!! so magic!"
But like I said before, this will just bring us in a denial state
We might feel "OK" in a split second but it's just for temporary
and that things will keep coming over again and again
But till when we want to lie to ourself?

Okay. Aku akui, ada waktu aku apply teknik reverse psychology
It works sometimes
If u gaisss selesa dengan cara ini, aku fully recommend u gais to use this method

But here I want to share my own method of facing the STRESS

This is how I handle STRESS
Sometimes it helps but sometimes it doesn't

Tapi  personally, kalau aku stress, susah hati ka apa2 perasaan y tak bes aku selalu buat mcm ni..

Steps di bawah ni hangpa akan buat lepas dah selesai spiritual deed macam semayang atau zikir, istighfar dsb..
So bila dah setel salah satu di atas baru lah relevan untuk ikut steps bawah ni gaiss

Benda first hangpa akan buat adalah

1. Acknowledege perasaan stress
Kadang2 ramai skip steps ni sebab masih di fasa in denial
Aku tak galakkan budaya denial ni sebab sometimes kita kena akui dan hormati apa yang kita RASA

Gini lah..
kalau hangpa rasa tak sedap hati, rasa serabut, stress, hangpa kena STOP sekejap apa yang hangpa tengah buat
Kemudian start fikir dan tanya diri sendiri balik....

"eh kenapa aku stress ni??"
"apa yang buat aku rasa serabut sangat ni??"

Sebenarnya kadang kita tak tahu dan tak sedar pun STRESS sedang membaluti kita
Tak semena2 dia sedang memeluk dan mengawal perasaan, percakapan dan tindakan kita
Tahu2, muka dah masam, ayaq mata dan berlinang, hempas2 pintu, hentak2 kali, punggai henpon pecah berderai gittcheww overnya 😚

Sebab tu penting untuk kita duduk sat, dan tahu, kenapa..
:
"Kenapa kita stress?"
Kadang2 steps ni buat kita tersenyum tersipul2 sendiri sebab...
"Lahhh aku stress sebab pin tudung hilang..."🤭

Ya la..alang2 nak stress biaq la atas sebab muhasabah kan...baru berbaloi..
Tapi...
hangpa jangan ingat aku memperlehkan perasaan STRESS seseorang pulak gaiss

Semua perasaan yang kita rasa ni valid ja
Kalau tak pernah stress tu pelik jugak kann..
Apa kamu manusia atau pokok hiasan?
Kok nga punya perasaan sihhh
Stress tu normal gaiss karna kita manusia
Cuma kita tengah borak pasal nak atasi stress ni
Kalau boleh biar la berkurang stress kita tu gaiss..

Kan tak best kalau stress sebab stress boleh take over productivity kita
Dan paling kesian, orang sebelah pun terasa bahang stress nya gaishh
Tak mahu la macam tu kann

So.
Back to step 1 ni, bila hang dah tau, "sebab stress", so terjawab lah...

"ohh....stress sebab tadi kerja tu susah , aku tak faham"
"ohhh aku down sbb orang marah2 aku"
"ohhh aku stress sebab bunyi bising mengganggu"
"Rupanya stress sebab aku penat"
"Stress sebab orang tak faham aku"
"Stress sebab henpon hang lembab or wifi hang slow"

So bila dah dapat jawapan ni proceed steps seterusnya la pulak gais..

2. Hangpa kena figure out dulu
Sama ada
a) aku MAMPU ubah situasi
b) aku TAK MAMPU ubah situasi

Tapi macam mana pulak hang nak tau hang mampu atau tak?

Jawapan tu ada pada hang sendiri
Contoh simple:
Hang tengah buat kerja, dan ada benda yang  mengganggu fokus hang contohnya bunyi bising orang bertelagah dalam bahasa yang tidak difahami ditambah pulak pitching suara yang tinggi, melebihi julat frekuansi normal yang mampu diserap oleh gegendang telinga
Aduhh! Sungguh menyerabutkan bila mendengar suara2 bertelagah itu walaupun depa tak gaduh dengan hang pun 🤣

So, hang pun STRESS dan mengganggu kerja hang

Hang boleh buat apa?
Tanya diri hang sendiri.

Adakah hang mampu untuk ubah situasi tu?
Adakah hang boleh buat aduan kat HR atau boss hang?
Adakah hang boleh p tegur depa direct supaya hormat orang sekeliling?
Kalau hang rasa hang mampu dan perlu untuk bersuara, jadi bersuara lah

Tapi kalau tak mampu dan tak perlu untuk sampai tahap tu, so hang kena terima hakikat yang hang TAK MAMPU ubah situasi tu

Kat sini, hang kena buat sesuatu untuk atasi stress tu dalam keadaan hang tak boleh ubah orang lain

Kalau hang memilih untuk biasakan diri dengan environment tu, dan remain silent, buat lah

Tapi hang ada cara2 lain lagi sebenarnya iaitu..baca point seterusnya

3. LUAH LA WEYY

hang kena luahkan perasaan hang!
Yaaaa! Luahkan wehhh!!!!!

Benda, kalau duk pendam, aduhh, sakitnya tuh bikin nambah stress dong

Kalau aku, aku akan tulis
Tulis di mana2 saja
Tapi selalunya dalam notepad fon aku lah
aku buat mcm personal diari
aku tulis semua dalam tu tak tapis2

What I feel
What's happening
What makes me uncomfortable

Everything
so aku rasa lega sikit
Tulis ja weh, halah2..bukan rugi pun

4. MUTUAL attraction

Next, kita manusia attracts kepada MUTUAL
apa sahaja yang mutual kita suka
Mutual thinking, mutual benefit, mutual taste, dan mutual problem

Contoh macam analogi orang bising2 kat ofis
So kita p la kat kawan kita, bagitau
Luahkan, bagitau yang kita tak selesa
Rupanya kawan kita pun tak selesa dengan kebisingan tu juga so ada geng!
Apa lagi heret kawan hang p pantry minum2 dulu untuk lari sekejap dari tense tersebut

"Lahhhh senang ja nak hilangkan stress"

Cara lain?🤣


5. ESCAPING & PUT limitation

Hang capai earphones dan putarkan lagu kegemaranmu!

Wahhhh cara2 kat atas ini sepertinya tengah ESCAPING from problem saja🤭🤣

Soalnya, apa kamu punya pilihan yang lain?😚

Itu analogi ya gaisss

Pendek kata, kalau kita tak boleh ubah situasi, kita buat sesuatu perubahan pada diri

Dan kawan aku pernah cakap, setiap ujian ada limitasi
Kita kena letak limit, sampai bila kita nak bertahan dengan sesuatu benda tu

Jangan terlalu lama tempoh stress tu
Sebab kita berhak untuk tidak stress dan
berhak bebas dari unpleasant feelings tersebut
Kita sebenarnya berhak bahagia

Cehhh, ngomong soal HAK ajaaaa terus terusan 🤣

Tapi benaran loh gaiss
Sometimes, ESCAPING is a bless
We are not a coward but we just love ourselves
Because, at the end of the day,
All we all want is to be happy

Aku pernah jumped out from a place and challenged myself at the new place because
I had enough
Am I giving up to early?
Nope. I gave my very best, I
I worked hard to still stay and be relevant
I try to overcome my stress
I seek help
I did almost everything I could
but I have limit
And when the due date come, I moved
Am I ESCAPING?
YES I did and that is my best desicion for that year
Alhamdulillah
I have fully overcome my stress by ESCAPING
😍🥳

Sebab kalau kita duk pendam saja, kan sakit hati tuuu
Jiwa pun merana kan gaishhh
Rugi weh stress lama2 ni
Banyak lagi benda kita terlepas bila kita stress

We can't enjoy things
We have constant anxious
We unable to say what's in our hearts

Ruuuugi😞

That's why ESCAPING is one of the best choice

Don't push ourselves to some level where we can't cope
Sometimes there is a thing that never meant for us
We just got to been there, done that just to take the experience
And it didn't means forever, just RnR 😍

"Orang lain boleh, kenapa aku tak boleh"

This toxic positivity sometimes might slowly kill us
Our capabilities are different
You are YOU
You might not good in something or some place but u can excell in other ways

Don't limit our potential just to prove that we are strong, faithful, patient and loyal

Nothing to prove, gaisss
Our distress, anxious, nervousness and STRESS did nothing but keeps fuelling and torturing ourselves and we all don't want that 💞

Bila aku tulis pasal cara handle stress, bukan bermaksud aku dah berjaya atasi stress setiap kali dia menyinggah

Tapi itulah ikhtiar yang aku boleh buat bila stress tu datang

Whatever it is, remember that stress is normal
And Allah already has solutions in every problem that we have

I hope when I have a bad time in future, I will look back this entry
and remind myself that Allah always loves me ❤

MORNING GLORY

 

The sunrise pours it's first ray light
over the greenery grass
Alhamdulillah
Another dawn from Him

I saw pearls of dew on the flowers petals
My front yard is full of ebullient colourful flowers planted by my green fingers parents

I heard the bird chirping with their own unique symphony
They begin to awaken started early in the morning
They were like passing message to each other with their own language and it sounds like
Sending>Receiving>Replying
It syncs pretty well
Probably telling each other about where to hunt for food in their territory
The tweeting sound is so mysterious
Might also indicate freedom and pleasant day coming
Oh Allah!
This is too beautiful to be described into word

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Several months ago,
all I heard is
vehicle honking and moving
Loud ambulance or police sirens is like a regular melody I have been listening once in a day
Started my boring morning routine talking to no one after my roomie went out for work

I stared at the TV and steal a glimpse at the clock
Ohh, got few hours before my shift started

Doing laundry and hanging clothes
Put my hijab on and changed to my long sleeve favourite jersey
Staggering my feet to the kitchen
"Hoi hoi..ehemm!!"
Clearing throat cause my voice sounds like an ageing cat whining for food
Opening my fridge and see nothing but leftovers food and an ounce of expired milk
Yes! Exactly. Why on earth that I still left empty container in fridge
Either me or my roomie did that hahahah
Picking up all the unused items
put together along my rubbish at the corner to ease my job later
Pushed elevator's button to 'LG' and heading outside from the apartment units
I walked alone on the road side with my bent rib grey umbrella
It's 80% perfectly functioning
My beautiful classy umbrella was left at my office so I got no choice but to utilise this inadequate umbrella for the sake of UV light protection

Arrived at the shops lot after 10 minutes leisure walking
Went to the wet market getting some vegetables and grocery at the Muslim grocery store outside

Getting some food for 3 days and went back home

Puzzling my items in my fridge took me a while
Then after, I cooked simple dish and rest

I rarely cooked and usually ordered from
e-hailing system, waiting my door knocked to receive my dinner or lunch set
The reasons is nothing much
Either I'm lazy, tired, got no enough time or no mood at all
It's dangerous as I believe in food to make me happier and feeling contented
This habit is risky for my pocket and my belly

And the life goes....
Getting my work done, eating, looking outside of the window from level 10,
chatting with my roomie, updating social media, praying and sleeping ~

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


So that's it
I'm truly apologise if u wait for some tips or inspiring daily journey of mine cause I can't serve u one

It's pretty much the same for daily practice
My life is just simple and nothing exciting to be flexed to the public or acquaintance

I'm a "makan gaji" employee who doing part time small online business

I always thought that I'm not a person to be look up to
I'm a person who sometimes has no avid ambition, clear career path or big dream
I'm a laidback girl who used to grab whatever come first

At certain point in my life, I lost motivation to start over
I'm not easily to hold up when I'm at the edge of cliff
Sometimes when I fell to the ground, I'm clueless, unable to clean my own bruise
Just waiting for rescue team to come over

I was once paralyzed, spiritually
My emotions is easy to be killed by surrounding
That is why I started to keep my circle small
Begin to unsee anything that could stir me up

I could pretend like nothing happened
I did my job imperfectly fine and laid in my bed then after
I feels like I have been doing the same routine and less talking to human being for the past months
It makes me trapped in my little bubble
I may looks hella fine but my heart,
yearning for peaceful and warm attention from my parents and family after months stranded on the other side of the world
due to pandemic

I wrote a line in my entry on my 26th birthday
Something like.."...all I wanted is spending more times with my parents, helping them doing chores or running errands.."
I remembered writing that line with an emotional feeling
At that time, I do not have any big dream
I just want to go back home town for some fresh ambiance
Some different sight, different vibes and different lifestyles


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Months after, I suddenly got chance to go back hometown due to some personal reason
It was so unpredictable
Starting from that, I have been 'working from kampung'
My routine changed, my sight changed and everything seems brand new

Alhamdulillah, I got chance to fast and Raya with my family
During Ramadhan I always make specific dua non stop
In that period of time, my courage lit up as I finally got my own dream, I clearly see what I want and desire in my life
I put in in a proper sentence and recite it every day and night

But, when the day passed by, I realized that my du'a seems not be granted
I slowly seldom reciting that same dua' then after as I feel, maybe it's my fate that Allah did not allow me to have what I wanted

Then I continued my days with less hoping for what I have been wishing before
I enjoy my day, spending my precious time with family as if nothing happened
But deep inside I feel quite sorrowful especially when I'm suddenly thinking of that particular thing that triggers me

Few days ago, while texting with my besties, I told her that if someone ask me if I'm happy, I would definitely say
"I'm happy". That is because without realizing, Allah actually has granted my du'a that I recite, last year.
I currently enjoying spending time with my parents which I had never experienced during my young age as I always lived far away from them since 13 years old
I was touched by her word of wisdom when she said..
"Allah listening to our du'a and will grant our dua' at the perfect time one by one"

I feel slapped on my face as I was once has feelings that Allah ignores my wish and I even feel give up of making dua' just because Allah didn't give what I want according to my timing

I was so wrong to think that way
How could I assume that the One who loves me the most, neglecting my du'a
While He is the one concerns about me and never left me behind

Allah The Most Merciful granted my wish that I made last year
which I currently enjoying

Living with my parents is the biggest bless this year that I have nothing to lose anymore ❤



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I'm smiling while taking picture of flowers in my front yard
This is a blessing that fleetingly gives me immense pleasure❤

Is it a crime to get stressed?

 

I sometimes questioning.. 

Is it a crime to get stressed?

When we have a very bad day but positive word keep echoing in our head saying 

"I'M OOOKAY"

"positive! positive! tak boleh stress2!!"

"itu pun nak emo.."

Without shedding any tears, we surpass the feelings 

worrying if we might look weak 

worrying if we later considered as immature 

due to incapability of controlling our own emotions

While in fact, 

our heart is about to explode and shatter into pieces

Sometimes too many positivity will slowly gaslight us 

make us feel doubtful about own state

make us feel low-self esteem, 

unworthy and 

look fragile when complaining

I always against toxic positivity in our society

I hate when people started to romanticize a bad state into sugarcoating word

The discomfort, anger, sorrow, distress keep bottling up 

End up, people who is suffering can only restrain it 

We are pushed to smile in misery

To dance in rain so others can't see our tears running down the cheek

Unable to articulate emotions, keep enjoying the day

Until one day we can't even sing in a normal tempo anymore

Being denial toward something that will slowly harm us in future

Mentally, emotionally or even worse, 

prolonging the anxiety, stress and unknown feelings within ouselves

I am capable

I can handle this alone

I can complete all by today

I already forgot those bad moment

I'm not mad at you

My hand still empty to take it more

I can proceed

It doesn't really bother me

YES, sometimes I did say these words

But it doesn't applicable all the time

Why can't we accept that we are feeble and helpless sometimes?

I'm incapable

I need help

I deserve more time to settle things

I can't simply switch feelings

I feel offended

I still have more to-do-list

I'm stuck

I had enough 

Say it louder!

All we want is ESCAPING

But little did we know that the very first step to escape is 

acknowledging

Then embracing

And say to yourself..

'yes!! shit happens'

It is happening right now!'

Don't ever deny it 

We might need a good cry

We might scream out loud

We might confess the burdensome

Trying to repress the emotion, anger and anxious will only held in the bruise 

Pretending if nothing happen will make us look fine apparently 

But deep inside, 

we feel super tight and suffocating in the dark. 

ERRATIC

Why some people become frustrated?

Because they always hope and crave for people's love and affection

Always wanted to be loved
To be cared
Even thought that once someone loves us,
the feelings will stay there,
always,
without flopping even a fleck

While in fact, people may change
The feelings might cease
and flee away like debris

I hardly believe in "love unconditionally" phrase
Sometimes people started to find excuses
They wanted to run away when there is no longer fondness
Once the weakness of their love one starts to  facade, 

they feel like putting it to the end 

They want to leave
But they stuck in the middle of relationships
and choose to just... stay until time resolved everything

But they forgot that, 

time aren't matters
What matters most is a willingness
It is willingness to fight

Loving someone is not easy as it might sound
We will always being tested
by the words that we uttered

Love is like a cactus
U bought it, brought into your house and taking care of it
It needs to be watered
To be put under sunlight
The storm and thunder will always come over
When a whirlwind passing by, 

the strength is shaking
If it is low maintained, it will be easier to tear apart
If it is lack of hydration, it might be rotten and dye slowly

And once it dyed, it is no longer seems attractive and u start to consider to throw it away

Preserve, nurture and constant improvement

These elements need to be served to the cactus so it will always looks alluring and soften your heart even after thousands times you look at it

Same goes to LOVE

I Fell Ashamed of Having Best Friend

In these recent years, I have never had any best friends

I did have some close friends which I considered them as "bestfriend" but I no longer do that now because of some reasons

When I was in my teen age, I just noticed that those who I thought as best friends are not actually best friends 

They are mere close friends 

Friends whom I used to hang out with, accompanied me everywhere, 

sitting side by side during classes and

doing crazy things together 

We were getting close due to several reasons and occasions 

I no longer believe in "best friends relationship" thingy 

One of it is because I think it is a commitment 

When I acknowledge someone as a best friend, I was thinking that 

there is a commitment for each other to get knowing almost everything about each other 

But not knowing everything make us stick together as a friend, right?

In my way of thinking, if u called someone as your best friend, they deserve to know everything 

I have some old friends a.k.a childhood friends whom I currently seldom interact with 

But there is a special connection between us that makes me think that they are my bestfriend 

We knew everything about each other's personal details back then 

But as the time passed by, we got separated due to timing reason and watching each other's progress from screen 

We didn't know much about each other anymore 

There is no one is wrong here

It just the matter of fate 

But deep in my heart, I always remember about them and the fond memories still in my heart 

Sometimes they appear in my dream as well

It is saddening when I think that they are my best friend but I feel that they didn't think the same

I was several times felt that I am not matter to them anymore 

I even missed out some important things happened in their life

and I have not been informed about remarkable things about them as well

My heart feel quite heavy to talk about this 

because I really nurture a friendship but got keeping out makes me feel sad sometimes

It is not only a disappointment 

but it is quite tiring for me to take everything seriously into my heart 

Thus, I told myself,

We don't get to know someone because we have to 

We get to know them because we are willing to

People share when they feel like doing so

They have right to hide it as they want

We might once standing at the same junction on the roadside 

But, our life lead us to different path then after

We are growing up and getting older day by day

I don't want to take into my heart when people exclude me in anything

I don't want them to feel guilty of not checking me out every now and then

and I don't want to feel any guilty of not knowing everything about them either

From that moment, I choose to not address any friend as my best friend anymore

I want to break free from those expectations in friendship that I was once dictate 😃

I do have several close friends

These close friends knew only some portions of my whole life story 

I have a close friend but we are far apart in distance 

I feel ashamed of myself to address her as my best friend 

and even more ashamed to call my self as her best friend

Why?

Because I am lacking of information about her

She is the one who I always looking for where I pouring out my very personal matters and feelings 

I do know her personal things as well 

but 

I don't know about her as much as she know about me 

I always confuse about her siblings number and even never knew their name

There are many things that I still not know about her 

so how could I call her as my best friend and 

how could she thought me as her best friend?

Here's a thing

I set my bar quite high for a relationship  called 'best friend' 

My best friend should be someone who know everything about me and I knew everything about them

Their personal feelings, their love story, their family matters, their struggle, their hardest time, their insecurity and almost everything

Yes

To that extend

That is me

A best friend is not just a friend who close to me

That is why, until this very day, I don't have any best friend

I yet to reach that level

I do have people where I share about A but that person having no idea about B 

And there is another person who knows everything about B but know nothing about A 

A, B, C or D could be about anything 

Either regarding my family matters, my insecurity, my works, my sickness, my financial, my lover, my daily life and stuff 

I don't share everything to only one person 

I'll go to first person to share silly jokes or some gags due to how synchronize our brains are

I'll not looking for that first person again for another issue that oppose her scope of interest

I'll find another person to express my view regarding some random thought to discuss together

There is different person for different thing respectively

As for me, "best friend" never exist.

We will stay just F.R.I.E.N.D and I am super okayyyy with that 😍

When Sun Rises Again

I wrote similar entry in here about losing interest towards life, few weeks ago

It slowly gone and I'm recovering 

but then

I realized, there is minor debris left in me 

still

While doing self reflection

a.k.a self pillow talk, before sleep, 

I found out that 

I don't even feeling fully contented during that whole day

Lying on my bed, staring to the ceiling fan, reciting du'a and again, 

I sleep without having excitement for tomorrow

I don't feel like rewarding myself for my hard work for that day

And I don't think I'm worth the oxygen I've got for today either

The sun rising again with pink cloud in the east

I'm waking up, staggering on my feet 

and started my morning routine 

but still in my head and my heart, 

it's nothing but emptiness

I started doing chores, writing, posting and stuff

Just to be a productive youth I guess

But I'm doing it with scarcely happiness

I feel so lame and it was so cloudy inside

I still remember how cheerful and energetic I was, during college

With an endless to-do-list and struggling soul, I moved here and there so furiously 

to complete the day 

and sleep with mixed feeling every night

My chart was so colorful with abstract ups and down emotions

Sometimes I cried and rushed

I was always a last-minute excellent performer 

I don't know why, but the chaotic ambience of mine, make me feel ALIVE 

at the end of the day I still can smile proudly as it was finally settled 

and I was planning to strive again tomorrow

How bright I was back then!

But now, I waking up every morning,

and started my work as usual

listening to my favorite song 

playing in the background 

I humming along with the melody 

The foreign song seems easy for me to catch up and memorize

I once dreamt of learning Mandarin and improve my existing Arabic language which 

took me forever to start over

I heard that foreign language can make our brain stimulate, 

enhance our creativity and make us think fast 

Mingling with foreign language can make us intelligent and bright

That's exactly what I need at this very moment 

as I always feel dumb, lagging behind and piteous recently

Basically I feel I'm lame and uninteresting person

That's how low and demotivated I'm right now

hhhahahahaahahah

I can't wait my roommate coming back everyday

my eyes sparkling every time she said she will be working from home 

as I really need people to talk to

even it was gibberish, we still laughing together at that repetitive stupid joke

We cracking up freely like no other neighbors listening

This is probably how adolescents slowly hitting on me

I suddenly biting my lips and get frown

Like..dear...

How unstable and pathetic is that?

Depending on other human being to change an ennui day.

C.R.U.S.H

Imagine if someone having no one to adore 

How boring is that 

People can accidentally having crush or stan someone

Either it is an instant or forever

They could be anyone

They might be your old friend, an ordinary person who also knows you, an unknown celebrity, a star, 

an expert in your favorite field, an art person, an athlete or any pretty soul in this world

But when you have crush or become an avid fan, 

u suppose to have only ONE and be loyal

Getting to know more about that only one person require a lot of effort 

So how if there is more than one?

In my own theory, someone can't have more than one crush at the same time

Then it's not consider as 'crush' 

and u can't claim yourself as an avid fan either

u mere "liking someone" and it might change with time

You can like a lot of people out there 

But when it comes to that particular person, you got no chill 

u stalk and getting knowing everything about that 1 person

u do it without any external force 

What an exuberant fellas!

Living a life to the fullest

u just enjoying and embracing that feelings

The satisfactory of having a lot of fact about that person in your mind is unexplainable 

u just feel proud even no one even bother that achievement 

Little that they know, the admiration can electrify a sullen life!

When your heart fluttering occasionally

u feel thrilled 

Your eyes lit up just by looking at that one person

u can't help

The time suddenly pausing

Your face might seems emotionless in public

But it was an orchestra performing inside 

Probably falsetto in there

Unidentified

u just can't stop smiling in your mind

But the things is, is it okay to adore someone to that extent?

Theoretically, these mental and emotion state is related to the physicals state as well

Like..we can't deny science right?

"Happy Hormone" anyone?

Who will refuse? 

I am in!! 

People eat sweet things in the morning to increase sugar level in their body

Eating sweet things can make someone happy and it igniting a solemn day

But some people seems having their happy pills already

They need to checking on someone and it is enough for them to be happy for that day

When we attracted to another person, 

our brain releases dopamine, our serotonin levels increase, and oxytocin is produced

The positive emotion suddenly budding

without us even realizing

That is why we think, it's okay to adore someone 

Without aware the consequences, we just continuing loving them

Most of time, people can't even define and explain their feelings

They are trapped between reality and dream

It is dangerous when they can't control that and it might harm them someday 

While they are not noticing, sorrowful might slowly falling upon them

They become so vulnerable

People should know how to handle the feelings

We should know the limit how far can we go with that feelings

Probably we need to define our own phase of adoring someone

Having a crush doesn't mean that u need to be with them

It doesn't have to be a happy ending

u still can adore them and watching them from far

With a hope that they will always be in glory and happiness 

Seeing them keep up with the good work

When they are coming up with new pieces in their life, 

u are waiting patiently with full anticipation

and u can continue enjoying their outcome

That is the true happy ending!

How about become someone's crush?

That fool!

Naïve as usual.

It's fascinating how naïve they are

They having no idea how much other people look up to them

They never knew how their words and actions inspired others in silent

How other people out there cherish and hold up the courage that they showered to others, 

& live up in life with that piece of wisdom they had once given.

Transparent

Someone I knew, is unsure if she is being transparent 

when it comes to expressing feelings

She believed that sometimes, thing is better left unsaid 

She barely hold that in her inner self and it's better that way

The things is, she usually unable to derive and identifying

Sometimes she just there, on her prayer mat and asking the God to show her a way of figuring out things

She usually hate misinterpretation from the third party

It's not that she is being narcissistic 

She just can't handle wrong interpretation

People feeling pity to her when she don't intend to earn pity by her story

People thought she is lonely and giving unwanted advice when she just need an ear to listen

That person previously mistakenly express her inner thought 

Either she is being naïve or her mind was totally messed up

How naïve she is, thinking that people will understand her

It is nearly impossible for anyone to understand her

Even other person didn't understand themselves

I adore her when she keep pulling through

I adore her when she is okay to keep something to herself and she is fine with that

I adore her when she realize that explaining is weighing down the existing mess

Finding proper phrase is burdening 

Most of the time, she keep everything to herself

Call her stingy and she totally don't care

She don't said things like..

"I love u"

"I miss u"

"I wonder if u are doing fine"

or sort of cringe things 

But what she did is, she just stared idly to a name in their last conversation for some seconds

and murmuring...

"I-miss-u-idiot"

Without batting her eye, 

she then casually deleted their last conversation right away,

touched the back arrow, 

put down her phone on the desk 

and continuing her work

She is my best reference 

She lives her life to the fullest and she don't regret

It's her choice and no one can't change her

When someone try to amend her stand, she then wondering, 

if is it a crime to keep it secret because....

UNCERTAIN

Her fondness towards anything might cease, pretty easily 

She can now saying about accepting any discontinue right away and no longer feeling sad
as if the endearment fading away in the air
Like it had never exist at the first place


If it has to be "no", she will accept the fate and move on
Don't think she can't do it
She has done it before
It was just

Puff!!

Gone.

It was totally gone 

and no trace left 


Able to say this, make her feel strong
Really strong
Earlier, she once said about 'afraid of losing'
But now, she is capable of saying the opposite

It's super cool.


Longing for something/someone whose presence and status is ambivalent is not healthy
Once your heart attached to them, their affection will occupied your heart even in your freakinn head
But you were uncertain, will things work?

It sometimes make you suffocate in a tiny room of counting down the ticking bomb
It will explode someday
No one knew when it will stop ticking and who pressed the start button 

It's not your fault
It's not her either

It's mere a process
But the thing is, she is uncertain
Whether this is a process of
strengthening
or a process of
collapsing 

It's vague.

Afraid of Being Scared

 Today I woke up in the morning

I was lumbering to the bathroom 

I then came out and sat on my bed

Staring blankly at the closet in front of me

Suddenly 

I cried my eyes out 

.

.

.

.

I have a dream last night

In the dream, someone I knew, left me, going to a new place. As the person busying packed her things, 

I then cried and don't want her to leave.

When I woke up, suddenly that scene coming to my head like a slideshow

That is why I suddenly cried as someone left me in real life. 

It was like, I'm not acting my age. Crying like a 5 years old lost girl. What has gotten on me!

I believe that dream is something complex that need to be discussed in a proper manner of knowledge

I don't want to waste my time thinking about dream I had recently

I read an article that people usually dreaming something that they recently has been thinking about.

Then I coming to the sense that I dreamed about 'someone left me' because that is what I have been

thinking about these days.

That is true that I always have some sort of strange thinking, recently.

I always wondered how if the table turns

How if everything that I have now, disappear

My family, my friends

I always imagine, 

I'm going back home but I see nothing but emptiness

No one left, it's me only at home

I strolling lazily in my house and calling out for my mom, dad and my sibling

Staggering to my feet because no one answering me

Imagine if suddenly someone who always checking on me, didn't reply my WhatsApp

My WhatsApp group is stacking down among the conversation list 

No one left 

My friends all gone from my sight

How scary is that

Even thinking about that make me agitated

I then realized that, that is the biggest scary moment in my life

But at the same time, I afraid of being scared

Because Allah will test us with what we scared the most

I'm totally vague. What I suppose to do

Sometime I afraid of getting something/someone new that will left me sentimental & intense feeling

I don't know if I'm too worried about the future. Am I?

I have no idea.

D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T

credit to: Aiman Azlan

I don't believe in "dominant in marriage"

There is no one become dominant when it comes to marriage life
Neither the husband, nor the wife

Dominance is something powerful. Someone dominant should be someone approaching perfections that they need no companions, assistant to come into conclusions or decisions.
Their word is nothing but a command
They listen to opinion but their decision is indisputable
That's how dominant person act

Dominant is a boss-nature
I don't really comfortable when elderly humorously mentioning in certain occasions

"Ask the boss"
"Depend on the boss"

Which referring to the father's/husband's authority to decide something
I acknowledge father's or husband's wise decisions
But rather than calling him boss, we better address him as a leader

For me, when u call someone is boss, he has the right to be dominant.
Boss is someone who has employees under their surveillance
But the term works within an organisation not applicable in family or marriage

Wife and kids are not employees, they are families who living under father's wings
Whom father should lead, protect and inspired
Father or husband should lead by example, not giving command and refuse excuses.
It is an authoritarianism!

But I believe in leadership
Husband and wife, both working together to build a blissful and successful marriage.
A successful marriage is not something born naturally. It takes efforts from both party.

A husband as a leader and the wife is the co-leader

A book that I read says that a marriage is like riding a car

There is a driver, co driver and the passenger

The passenger is the off spring

The passenger literally follow to where the car is heading.

The husband should act a leader. But is the leader is always right and fine all the time?

No. The husband might did mistakes several times.
The wife supposed to correct the husband

The husband might need helps sometimes
There is the wife who will lend her hand

The husband might dwell, unable to move at certain conditions
There got the wife who raise them mentally, emotionally

Father or husband communicate with wife and children with manner, respect, consideration and tolerance
This is because he is the leader

He brings everyone to a new house but it's the wife or mother who make it a home

He provide necessities and buy the groceries but the wife is the one prepare the mouth watering dishes

He brings family to a vacation but the children makes the trips much more meaningful

The concept of living under one roof isn't well practiced if the father act like a boss who disregard his family member's emotion and mind state

A father or husband is respected not because he's the one who provide us everything, not because of the religion obligation either
but being a father or husband itself is an honour

The willingness to hold new responsibilities is something valuable and dictate how courageous they are.

The father or husband is not lowering his title as a leader if he listening and considering the family member's opinion and emotion.

He still earns respect by everyone eventhough he acts considerate towards family members

It's not that the father cannot be strict and poorly making desicion as well.

'Strict' is a must to mold the behaviour of wife or children
'Considering' is something else

After all, father or husband is the one whom family members respect and rely on for everything.

Decent Grown Up

I watched a random interview of my favorite actor.

He was voicing out something about decent grownups person 

I favor his view and perspective towards the term "decent grownups"

As I go thru his opinion, I realized that decent grownups is closed related with maturity topic

Indeed, maturity also doesn't come by age 

Maturity doesn't always appear simultaneously with our age 

I knew someone in same age who acts exactly her age 

She even sometimes appears mature than our current age 

Her consideration, respect, common sense, consistency, solicitude, concern, meticulous state of remembrance is at another level!

Sometimes my male friends don't dare to speak to her, not because she is being bossy but the fact that she is precise and rigid so no man can mess with her 

She is not too well known among people as she used to be 'behind the scene' performer

She is not someone who impress people with her outstanding words in front of hundreds audience

But who knows her, knows her

Knowing her for her high integrity

She is not completely a solemn person

I knew her for years and no one can deny her witty personality who can trap anyone in her cynical pun!

She is an attractive woman, istg.

Should someone asking about whom I can 100% rely on, I would say her name without hesitation 

She is reliable, honest and caring 

I mean could be any of decent woman like her in my circle?

I think she's the one

How pitiful that no man who mislook her

I would have asked her hands for marriage if I'm a guy 

If anyone ask me who is a decent grownups person in my circle, I will definitely pointed her.

Matured and well decent woman.

I also know few of my juniors who act more mature than me

Their coalesce, decision making, problem solving ability, surpass me and I am so proud of their achievements 

To put in word, decent is beyond 'being kind' and 'matured'.

To find a kind and matured person is super easy

but to find a decent grownups person is nearly impossible

They are gems hidden in million particles element in the ocean

Decent grownups person could be mistakenly referred as a sophisticated person 

but surprisingly, they are very simple in minor and petty things 

But, they don't easily let something slide on it's own especially when it comes to major crucial things

A strong principle will lead their way ahead

They are not having narrow minded due to small circle they have

but in fact, they are so open minded and able to intermingle wisely with less judgement towards people

They can't see thru people's heart but their level of consideration is undeniably wise

Imagine, someone who don't really know you but capable of put your heart at ease, back up you when you encountered injustice.

As long as someone being honest, humble and do right things, this decent grownups person will being on their side 

Their consideration is unconditional.

They set their bar really high. In order to decide something vital,

They will fully utilized the power of choosing among miscellaneous options in front of them

They respect and embrace various interpretation towards topics.

They handle different opinions really well

I knew a man 

To say that he fulfilled my definition of decent grownups man, I am hesitate

It is still hazing in my sight

Sometimes he become so decent, but sometimes I can't understand his concern

Might be due to our sensitive point which totally different from each other

He once doubt my taste and preference which makes me throw an instant dislike towards him

That is because I really cherish about my taste that time so hearing someone questioning and making fun out of it, had stirred me up

He didn't really know deeper about what I'm talking about yet, casually responded that way

I'm not supposed to share about my taste if I knew he will respond that way 

I found it offending 

That is the first time when I felt he purposely thought-provoking my taste 

I just let it slide considering it was a bad timing 

People make mistake sometimes

I'm not purposely bragging up the past

Just want to emphasize the fact that we human, indeed having various point of sensitivity

How unique we are to own dissimilar personality

Sometimes we take it lightly towards differences but sometimes we suddenly fueled with anger and dissatisfaction when someone question and make fun on our taste and preference

It's bad timing and I should say it loud to him..

"no no no..not this time. Don't make fun of this. Don't question either. I'm sharing with u, not asking your opinion so don't say anything"

That is why he innocently asking when did he wronged

I then notice that he did nothing wrong

It just me who being overly sensitive.

Sometimes I open for opinions and would like to hear what others think 

but sometimes I intend to merely share my preference without expecting a single feedback but I didn't mentioned this earlier 

That's why he gave his feedback and I found it unacceptable 

So immature of me 😂

He totally dumbfounded why on earth I became offended

He can't see the picture

That is why I think, I'm not going to explain myself on how much significant my taste was.

I then, wrapped the case

It's better that way and I feel relieved to keep my taste only to myself, 

otherwise, a time-killing argument can breed and my immature side will façade 😄

But still, I can't deny the fact that he truly having well personality in general

Sometimes he acts like 'dad-age' but sometimes he's not

He has courage to apologize and sometimes pointed my mistake. That speaks his matured, humble and moderate side

The way he respects the diverse views of mine, my weird opinion and my peculiar personality deserve praise

He is someone whom I always excited of sharing my unusual perspective in certain topics. He is open minded and judge less. That's huge.

I think I rarely met a man who owns this kind of personality because a lot of man I met, already have their own opinions and they hardly uplift opinion from woman. I'm not generalizing all men but I said what I have encountered.

I'm not talking about those chauvinist yet. It's absurd. Not only ignoring woman's opinion but some of them even act superior than woman. I had never encountered chauvinist or misogynic in my life but I found out a lot of issue in net about them.  

In my case, I see a lot of condition whereby a man listen to a woman's opinion just to show their concern but actually they take it lightly and no further consideration about it. 

I think man always do that might be because of their intelligence as well. People said, woman speaks with emotion, man act with rational. I agree that some man has that level of cognitive thinking way better than woman but people having no idea on how much woman do have power of decision making, better problem solving and wider interpretations that man can't never win. 

After all, its not about winning arguments. Knowledge, experience and maturity will answer that. Not gender. Period.

That man whom I knew, indeed having a special way of immersing into a topic or whatever issues we are discussing that makes me think that he is quite engaging.

But since I do not know him well yet, I will hold back my 'pretty decent grownups man' trophy first

So far, he is a kind-hearted and matured person.

To further discuss about 'maturity or decent grownups doesn't come by age', 

I would like to mention about someone I knew who rarely act her age

Speaking about this, makes me take a look deep into the mirror

Yes. 

It's me, myself.

People like me, sometimes didn't consider enough towards people and occasion

Sometimes my stand shaking 

Sometimes I don't bother others

Sometimes I questioned the importance of celebration or gathering

Sometimes I just care about my mind state and ignoring other 

Sometimes I feel annoyed to people's weak points of view and justification 

Sometimes I can't even look or give fake smile to the person whom I dislike their presence 

Sometimes I don't really want to know further about them

I'm not kind or considering enough towards people

Maybe because I am tired of fulfilling others expectation so I just let it passed by and don't even look back

hahhahaha.

How cruel I am.

But that is me, being real.

A decent grownups woman?

It is extremely tough job for me if that is the benchmark.

Am I not interested of becoming a decent grownups woman?

For me decent grownups is not a destination

But it is a process 

You can't say someone totally achieve that level

There must be slightly lack here and there

But to claim that someone approaching that level is quite possible

U can't sleep at night and promise yourself to become more decent tomorrow and suddenly you wake up and got overall reformation.

It doesn't work that way.

It is a journey to become one ~