Door

I spent too much time worrying about what I yet to own

I feel hurt when I can't get something that I want
I feel sad when my planned is ruined
I afraid it might be stagnant for too long

I had never feel so pathetic like what I currently feel
I feel sympathy towards myself who almost lost herself, waiting for something she never had
I keep wondering with never ending possibility lingering in my head
How if I stuck forever?

I feel my soul paralyzed even physically,
people see I'm moving from one condition to another while in fact, I'm not
I waste my time, energy and emotion until it took away my current happiness

The smile that I'm making

The laugh that I'm faking 

Nobody know my silent battle 

Wasted!

I lost myself several times when I supposed to put love in whatever I'm doing

My precious time not deserved to be treated that way even a millisecond

I need to move
to find my true happiness and what I want in my life without depending on others
But I'm not sure if I need to move forward with whole reformation
or
going back to my old self,

genuinely sufficient

My mistake is  not because I close my door and window
But it is because, I constantly let myself, 

keep peeking through the window,
every single day
I hope something that I want, come over and say "Hi, I have arrived"

That makes me disappointed everytime it didn't make it to my front door
At the same time I don't want it to feel guilty that it unable to come over

There must be circumstances that I tried to consider 

I have learned to wait 

I have learned to consider 

I learned a lot to understand others 

At least I'm learning something new and I'm not regret 

Because I know, a test that Allah gives to me is to train myself to be a better person 

I hurt many people along the way

I break many hearts 

I'm being inconsiderate, immature and sometimes take people for granted,

just because something, that I never attain until now 

Enough is enough 

I don't want to hurt anyone again and again 

I hurt myself as well 

Thus, after learn so many things, this time, 

I start to learn how to be nice with myself more

Not hoping too much on people

I want to break free from expectation

I don't want to peek through my window anymore, because I believe that
if it belongs to my life, it will knock the door

at the perfect time 

I need to detox myself from negativity and afraid of losing
I don't need to tie my beloved one so that it can't run away
I don't need constant peeking anymore

I need to replenish my empty soul by myself
I need to learn to be alone
Not because I lost hope to anything
But because I want to be stronger by my own ⚘