Cloudy

I don't like when people questioning as I'm not doing well in job at office especially people who don't know the real situation happened there.🤦‍♀️😅

It's not that I rely on people appreciation. I don't need those but just don't hurt my feelings either.

With lack of resources but having

tons of request, and non stop errors that need to be entertained and resolved, I was thinking this is too much for my tiny brain to absorb.

I'm truly exhausted. I'm not joking saying this.

I pushed my self extremely hard and

I

Have

Deliver

My

Best.

You see I'm I still replying in WhatsApp grup and twitter ?

U know why I'm doing that?

Cause I'm sick! Sick of paying too much attention to work and I could had exploded if I continued working without socializing in another side of world.

My life is not just in that small desk with laptop, charger and mouse in front me.

I'm not a machine.

At certain level,  I always thinking of quitting in this field, going back hometown and start full time online business. Can I?

👉👈😔

Non stop incoming task give me pressure. Need to do investigation and finding root cause for each different scenario of cases.

I need to admit that I'm truly uncomfortable seeing those unsolved request and line of errors in queue that I pushed myself to get rid of those by solving it even sometimes feeling like vomiting plus dizziness that coming along, I still fight. I do fight inside without people noticing it cause I don't show it apparently. 😑

I'm not comfortable seeing untouched requests coming without tryna resolve it but I do have limit too.

I'm not taking my job for granted because at the end I know Allah will question me, do I fulfill my amanah? My job is my amanah.

I know what to do and I know dosa pahala.

But bare in mind that I have feeling to.

My brain has limit too.

When I'm tired, I couldn't push myself any further. If not, I will end up burst into tears and the worst things is mogok.

When I mogok, I will not doing my tasks and leave it just like that. Luckily, my teammates and seniors are super supportive, help me especially when I'm on shift, they still support me from home for some critical case or issue that needed guidance from them. But the remaining issues and tasks that I'm able to perform,  I  will avoid disturb them and ask for help. Trying the best to solve on my own.

That is satisfying tho 😪😅

Imagine when I'm alone during evening and weekend shift, solving all tasks and clearing the queue and it's super tiresome.

At that time, what I need is just...

'do the best' ,

'don't push too much' that's it.

Don't add some more by saying any line that makes me think twice as if I'm not done my job accordingly.

Or else, if don't have good things to say, don't say any word. Just some silly meme, lame joke, random funny videos on WhatsApp or Twitter

and some food would help a lot of gaining back my mood 🤤😋

I still remember, I heard people ever said 'tak cukup maksima lagi tu'. Things like that.

It makes me think twice, do they think I'm not fully commit? 😅

It seems like whatever happened, the tasks that should be finish regardless time and energy.

What's wrong with balik on time.

I spent enough hours in my office and I say to u clearly, I'm prioritizing my life as well.

I have mental and soul to be take care of, I have stomach to be filled, and khusyuk prayer that shud be performed. 🤔

If I still stay up for the sake of clear all the request, I could be died inside if would have not doing anything else except work because supposedly all that need to be solved and I'll be sitting there doing it until finish.😌😪

It's irony. People said,

take care of your health.

Eat properly.

Take rest.

Don't push yourself.

Handle your stress.

But when I go back earlier after giving my fully effort into work, they said that

'awal balik..',

'u're changing laaa',

not sure the tone of the line uttered but when read it, I feel like it fueled my anger sometimes..😂

They are the one ask me to take care of myself but they also pelik when I'm going back on time, left the untouched tasks at office. So u want me to still stay until midnight until all solved?

Before this, I used to stay until clear all requests and tasks but now, if it's not urgent, I just go back on time. Left it for tomorrow shift person.

I eat on time, I pray, I socializing in social media, reply whatapp, writing and sketching on my notebook when I'm at office.

That doesn't mean I'm neglecting my job, but it is how I handle my stress. It's not that I'm not busy, but I purposely spent a little time doing it in spite of bundle of waiting tasks. I couldn't pushed further.

Btw, I'm not writing and sketching every day. It just happened like once in a week when I feel too fedup and take a break during shift time, alone. Usually, long and fully writing and sketching require a leisure time for me to spend on and it is when I'm at home, not office.

At office, I usually take 5 minutes break socializing, drawing and writing on my note when the ideas come and continue back my work. If there's urgent case, of course I prioritise it first la kawan..😅

But do u know who am I before?

Not going back until all tasks finish.

I checked email at home not to ensure my previous email sent but seeing what email coming in, anxiety push me to do so, cause my mental still attracted to 'work relating things'.

I eat late.

I take a break at my desk (which means, I'm not taking proper break cause still doing work)

I do not socialised, fully focusing to work either urgent or not. Finish it all.

That's what bring me dizziness, nausea, stress and pressure.😖🤺

So now, why I'm changing to these?

1. Why I go back earlier even still got too many request untouched?

2. Why I started to take enough break rather that short break that I used to take before?

3. Why I don't look at email and Skype anymore after reaching home?

4. Why I socializing with other side of world rather than focusing on work like a robot?

Because I have life, body and mental to be take care of.

I could have been staying until all finished all but what I got?

Nothing but just exhaustion and stress.

Satisfaction? Yes. Might be one of it.

Finish all task..satisfied on the effort put.

To impress whom?

Your employer?

Is it more important than you mental health??

Is it the appraisal is more important than your body that u want to use for your entire remaining life?? 🍃

I tend to think, again, what's wrong with going back on time? Just because you going back earlier, your company will bankrupt lehh?

No, right? If yes, so what???? Is it your problem?? So all the things shud put on your shoulder??? U are the CEO mehh??

U feel bad cause too many untouched tasks drag to the next day and the boss will see it and thinking why too many unsolved ticket????

So what??

Let it be.

Let your boss know that there is lack of resources and they shud hire more.  I did my part. I did my best. Giving my hundred percent. That's their responsibility to cater the issue, not me who shud take the burden. It's them. 🤷‍♀️

And u know what, the saddest things is even I tried to avoid overworked, but still, until this day, I still have to cut my break time, make it shorter, still sometimes, just eat fast and little at my desk, still sometimes open Skype and email at home just to ensure nobody seek for my help.

The end.