Decent Grown Up

I watched a random interview of my favorite actor.

He was voicing out something about decent grownups person 

I favor his view and perspective towards the term "decent grownups"

As I go thru his opinion, I realized that decent grownups is closed related with maturity topic

Indeed, maturity also doesn't come by age 

Maturity doesn't always appear simultaneously with our age 

I knew someone in same age who acts exactly her age 

She even sometimes appears mature than our current age 

Her consideration, respect, common sense, consistency, solicitude, concern, meticulous state of remembrance is at another level!

Sometimes my male friends don't dare to speak to her, not because she is being bossy but the fact that she is precise and rigid so no man can mess with her 

She is not too well known among people as she used to be 'behind the scene' performer

She is not someone who impress people with her outstanding words in front of hundreds audience

But who knows her, knows her

Knowing her for her high integrity

She is not completely a solemn person

I knew her for years and no one can deny her witty personality who can trap anyone in her cynical pun!

She is an attractive woman, istg.

Should someone asking about whom I can 100% rely on, I would say her name without hesitation 

She is reliable, honest and caring 

I mean could be any of decent woman like her in my circle?

I think she's the one

How pitiful that no man who mislook her

I would have asked her hands for marriage if I'm a guy 

If anyone ask me who is a decent grownups person in my circle, I will definitely pointed her.

Matured and well decent woman.

I also know few of my juniors who act more mature than me

Their coalesce, decision making, problem solving ability, surpass me and I am so proud of their achievements 

To put in word, decent is beyond 'being kind' and 'matured'.

To find a kind and matured person is super easy

but to find a decent grownups person is nearly impossible

They are gems hidden in million particles element in the ocean

Decent grownups person could be mistakenly referred as a sophisticated person 

but surprisingly, they are very simple in minor and petty things 

But, they don't easily let something slide on it's own especially when it comes to major crucial things

A strong principle will lead their way ahead

They are not having narrow minded due to small circle they have

but in fact, they are so open minded and able to intermingle wisely with less judgement towards people

They can't see thru people's heart but their level of consideration is undeniably wise

Imagine, someone who don't really know you but capable of put your heart at ease, back up you when you encountered injustice.

As long as someone being honest, humble and do right things, this decent grownups person will being on their side 

Their consideration is unconditional.

They set their bar really high. In order to decide something vital,

They will fully utilized the power of choosing among miscellaneous options in front of them

They respect and embrace various interpretation towards topics.

They handle different opinions really well

I knew a man 

To say that he fulfilled my definition of decent grownups man, I am hesitate

It is still hazing in my sight

Sometimes he become so decent, but sometimes I can't understand his concern

Might be due to our sensitive point which totally different from each other

He once doubt my taste and preference which makes me throw an instant dislike towards him

That is because I really cherish about my taste that time so hearing someone questioning and making fun out of it, had stirred me up

He didn't really know deeper about what I'm talking about yet, casually responded that way

I'm not supposed to share about my taste if I knew he will respond that way 

I found it offending 

That is the first time when I felt he purposely thought-provoking my taste 

I just let it slide considering it was a bad timing 

People make mistake sometimes

I'm not purposely bragging up the past

Just want to emphasize the fact that we human, indeed having various point of sensitivity

How unique we are to own dissimilar personality

Sometimes we take it lightly towards differences but sometimes we suddenly fueled with anger and dissatisfaction when someone question and make fun on our taste and preference

It's bad timing and I should say it loud to him..

"no no no..not this time. Don't make fun of this. Don't question either. I'm sharing with u, not asking your opinion so don't say anything"

That is why he innocently asking when did he wronged

I then notice that he did nothing wrong

It just me who being overly sensitive.

Sometimes I open for opinions and would like to hear what others think 

but sometimes I intend to merely share my preference without expecting a single feedback but I didn't mentioned this earlier 

That's why he gave his feedback and I found it unacceptable 

So immature of me 😂

He totally dumbfounded why on earth I became offended

He can't see the picture

That is why I think, I'm not going to explain myself on how much significant my taste was.

I then, wrapped the case

It's better that way and I feel relieved to keep my taste only to myself, 

otherwise, a time-killing argument can breed and my immature side will façade 😄

But still, I can't deny the fact that he truly having well personality in general

Sometimes he acts like 'dad-age' but sometimes he's not

He has courage to apologize and sometimes pointed my mistake. That speaks his matured, humble and moderate side

The way he respects the diverse views of mine, my weird opinion and my peculiar personality deserve praise

He is someone whom I always excited of sharing my unusual perspective in certain topics. He is open minded and judge less. That's huge.

I think I rarely met a man who owns this kind of personality because a lot of man I met, already have their own opinions and they hardly uplift opinion from woman. I'm not generalizing all men but I said what I have encountered.

I'm not talking about those chauvinist yet. It's absurd. Not only ignoring woman's opinion but some of them even act superior than woman. I had never encountered chauvinist or misogynic in my life but I found out a lot of issue in net about them.  

In my case, I see a lot of condition whereby a man listen to a woman's opinion just to show their concern but actually they take it lightly and no further consideration about it. 

I think man always do that might be because of their intelligence as well. People said, woman speaks with emotion, man act with rational. I agree that some man has that level of cognitive thinking way better than woman but people having no idea on how much woman do have power of decision making, better problem solving and wider interpretations that man can't never win. 

After all, its not about winning arguments. Knowledge, experience and maturity will answer that. Not gender. Period.

That man whom I knew, indeed having a special way of immersing into a topic or whatever issues we are discussing that makes me think that he is quite engaging.

But since I do not know him well yet, I will hold back my 'pretty decent grownups man' trophy first

So far, he is a kind-hearted and matured person.

To further discuss about 'maturity or decent grownups doesn't come by age', 

I would like to mention about someone I knew who rarely act her age

Speaking about this, makes me take a look deep into the mirror

Yes. 

It's me, myself.

People like me, sometimes didn't consider enough towards people and occasion

Sometimes my stand shaking 

Sometimes I don't bother others

Sometimes I questioned the importance of celebration or gathering

Sometimes I just care about my mind state and ignoring other 

Sometimes I feel annoyed to people's weak points of view and justification 

Sometimes I can't even look or give fake smile to the person whom I dislike their presence 

Sometimes I don't really want to know further about them

I'm not kind or considering enough towards people

Maybe because I am tired of fulfilling others expectation so I just let it passed by and don't even look back

hahhahaha.

How cruel I am.

But that is me, being real.

A decent grownups woman?

It is extremely tough job for me if that is the benchmark.

Am I not interested of becoming a decent grownups woman?

For me decent grownups is not a destination

But it is a process 

You can't say someone totally achieve that level

There must be slightly lack here and there

But to claim that someone approaching that level is quite possible

U can't sleep at night and promise yourself to become more decent tomorrow and suddenly you wake up and got overall reformation.

It doesn't work that way.

It is a journey to become one ~

Ambiguous

".........

.

.

Knowing each other for quite long period of times sometimes give me tense and delusion,

considering the fact that we happened to meet once in a year and less talking all this while 

There is a few times I purposely searching for your name in my contact,
checking out our conversation
just to ensure that our friendship is really exist.

When I lost in my own world, I feel confuse about the reality

Are we friends for real?
Did u really have feelings towards me 

and am I too, falling for u?
Did we truly have some serious conversation back then?
Did we ever meet back then?
How did we connect with each other?

Or to some extend..."do I know u?"

Sometimes throwing out all the questions seems insane but that is what I always did.

Maybe u are just my imaginary friend.

Sincerely,
Your Imaginary Friend 

......."

Fog

I'm still not gaining interest towards life.

All my heart, soul and mind still desist in the same imaginary world.

I can't tell exactly where I am at.
My mind is not completely hazing but it's ambiguous.
It's hard to escape from an imaginary world into a real world.

But I seem o k a y.

Yes I apparently look o k a y.

Alhamdulillah
Allah helps me out
The prayer that I have been reciting all this while,
seems to be granted 

Slowly but surely 

I certain that.

My 'Big Why' suddenly sparks a light to my dark sight
that it drove me to stand again,
continue what was stuck before.

I'm slowly regaining my previous state of mind and soul!☺️

So how?

Sounds like an achievement? Isn't it?

But wait.

Don't feel amuse yet.

Getting back my faith and so called 'courage'.

No.
There is nothing to do with courage, chums.

It's mere 'survival'.
Survival of a piece of mind and soul considering..
"being productive as a worthwhile life"
At least, I do feel contented for the very first time after a long period of desolation.
So I can consider it as a little success.

Allah is aiding me so much more than what I prayed for.

I feel ashamed towards His Mercy.

I'm not deserve this.

I'm effortless 

I'm worthless 

I can't even fight for myself to the fullest 

But this is all I can show to Him

How embarrassing was that?

But Allah, still wanting to help me out by giving this spark of light.

Light is a Hope.

Hope that can assist me to be better.

Sometimes, u will realise that u aren't becoming a person u used to be before.

It's nearly impossible to get back to the usual track.

But in order to live forward,
u should get a grip of yourself,
take whatever reasons u might see in front and persistent forth.

Even the reason u might see in front seems peculiar but at least,
u can straighten the bent knees,
brushing your back of hand on your wet cheek, 
clean the bruises on your palm
and look up to the sky again.

But still...

* read the first line again.*

Top 6 Sad Songs

 Have you ever heard a song that you end up drop your tears and your heart woe and ache every time you listen to it.

We, human is created by Allah owning a very unique heart that react differently in different subject and content

Our sensitive point differs us from each other.

That is what makes us unalike and developing divergent interpretations towards life.

When listening song, we tend to follow our heart to where it heading to

Either diving immensely inside it

Or it flee like debris in invisible air

It's like you're entering a huge garden of flower and your eyes catch to an aesthetic creation.

Either you smell the flower, hold it with nurture feelings, finding out the meaning of its unique petal design, praising its beauty from day to night

or you smell it, you smile and walk away, enough to know its good smell and stunning virtual looks but having no extend feeling toward it.

So which one define us. In fact, it depends on what we see, our current emotion at that time being or other volatile reasons.

In spite that circumstances, we all know there is a few songs that tie our heart regardless how many times we listening to it.

That songs never fade away from our heart.

In this entry, I would like to share few songs that capture my heart even hundreds times listening to it due to its sorrow aura. 

These songs make me embracing the beauty of flowers in the huge garden and place it in a special place, not just smell, smile and walk away. That's enough to tells how special these songs to me.

There is many possible ways of how the songs have special spot in my heart.

Could be the lyric, the singer, the melody, the rhythm, the instrumental, the structure which consists of an intro, verse, chorus, middle and outro.

Or it could be because of whole the message, the atmosphere, or the purpose of the songs it self.

I'm not an expert into songs in technical perspective.

I'm mere having a soul to embrace the existence of the song with limited knowledge of what chords they used for the music arrangement, 

special vocal technique and stuff.

Ear, and soul is enough for me to enjoy it.

The few songs that having special spot in my heart for the mournful category :

Kindly click to the link to listen.

1. Because I Miss You by Beige

Full 

Male Version

2. Unintended by Muse

Concert 

3. Writing Our Story by Wannabe SG

Full

4. Time Walk by Boni Pueri

Full

5. Kal Ho Na Ho by Sonu Nigam

Full

6. I Will Go To You Like The First Snow by Ailee

Full

I shared to my friends to listen to these songs but some said that they listen to it only half way and ask why I suggested sad song to them

hahahhaahaha

Yes it is sad but I shared because the songs are special and so beautiful 

that I couldn't suppress the urge to share with the people I love to allow them enjoy it too.

These songs become most poignant songs I've ever heard in my 26 years old time span and they seems to be evergreen in my heart forever

It blends all the engulf feeling of 

sorrow, 

depress, 

despair,

hopeless, 

guilty and all so very well....

kudos to the team produce these tear-jerking songs ..

Every time listening to these songs, I always feel moved.

Its like 

weeping over something that u cannot own for the rest of your life anymore

imagine you are having a thing in your hand but it suddenly shattered and levitate in the air

you want to catch it but u are not capable of doing it

all u can do is see it thru your teary eyes and lump in your throat until it's totally gone from your sight

u can't resist

u truly feel it was unfair and cruel 

as u would rather not receiving it at first if it needs to go back to it's place soon after.

That speaks what I felt about these songs that I will forever remember in my whole life.

HOPE: Jang Ok-Jung (2013)

"I would not have watching this if I knew it will turned out this way 😭"

This is what I felt at the end. 

I took a glimpse to the time passed by and how much time left for this drama to reach the end...

Whatt is happening? Why there's no hope of happy ending. It's not gonna end like this right??I murmuring to myself.

Another 45 minutes?

15 minutes left?

And denggg!!!! My heart dropped!

No way! Is this the end of this drama???

I feel extremely shocked for the ending.😭😭😭😭

========================================

Soo...guysss

I just finished Jang Ok Jung starring Kim Tae Hee and Yoo Ah In. This is a TV series based on an epic true story. The Annals mentioned that Jang Ok Jung is the most popular and prettiest concubine during Josean era history (tenure: 1600-1700)

I refuse to watch this since then, because I afraid that I might attached to it and I worried that it will ripped my heart as Secret Love Affair did but that same heart longings for it and I end up watching it till the very end!

I indeed don't want to watch it but...there is 

Kim Tae Hee, everyone! 

As people know, Kim Tae Hee is pointed as the most beautiful Korean Actress who never go under knife. She owns the natural beauty ever since young.

If u watched Tough as Iron, director mentioned her name and sealed into an iconic line for the 'alzheimer mother' character as they acknowledge her as the Korean Actress with the most beautiful face. So the 'mother' keep mentioning that she is Kim Tae Hee and that brings laughter to the audience everytime she utter that. 😂

But after watching this, I have nothing to say but stating the fact that she is indeed the prettiest, the softest face, the goddess and the super talented korean actress!😍😍😭

Not to mention, there is my forever favourite versatile star leads the drama too.

The undeniable talented actor, Yoo Ah In. 

I always looking forward to his new faces in his artwork. Historical drama is the one suits him well. He brings tears to audience in The Throne as a depressed and struggling crown prince who faced death in rice chest by his own father.

But in Jang Ok Jung, he indeed portrayed the best roles as the most reliable, intelligent, and diligent King that the Joseon citizen will forever remember in the history. 

In spite his cold, professional and serious role, he manage to captures our heart with his love towards only one woman, Jang Ok Jung and his love is deep as ocean😭

So here got the best actor featuring the best actress,

So..why not!

Decided to watch it, is the right things to do 

but now, the remaining things is 

my whirlwind heart!😢

I already prepared for this due to previous experience of drama that dragged me into desolation feelings.

So I prepared for some tears but hold it until the end.

Because I think there is a thing called HOPE 

So maybe I will not cry this time..

But what happened is..

my heart feel so heavy through out the 24 episodes.

What a tragic historical story it was!

I can't help but giving slight spoiler to those who not watching it yet because this is regard to my personal feelings for this drama. So don't blame me for that.

The intriguing plot and storyline is promising. The bunch of plot twist scenes thrilled me. The tragedies keep happening one after another that makes this series is not boring to watch. 

Along 24 episodes, the characters are strongly expressed by both main leads. 

Jang Ok Jung

Talking about the main character which is Jang Ok Jung, I heard many tv series or novel try to portray the evil side of her when they try to remake the history of Lady Jang Ok Jung. 

Actually same in Jang Ok Jung drama, she indeed having evil side. But u can never hate her. That is because the good side of her is more brightly coming to the surface. We can see how her character expanding and mounting in her. 

From a sweet and passionate dressmaker into a determine court lady. Then upgrade herself as a concubine after receiving King's favor. 

Then become an opportunist Queen into a kind hearted Queen, 

Then, disposed back to concubine and the list goes. 

I amaze how this story develops her character. Every time she climbs to a higher stage and displaced to a lower stage, she always holding different, rivet side motives. Some changed, some remain.

Become the royal dressmaker to pursue her career and passion, 

finding Lee Soon as The Chief of Palace Guard,  

free her mother from slavery,

repairing the the social class status,

being in King's side,

giving birth to the Joseon's throne heir and

save the King & her new born prince.

After all the exhausted and tiring journey, she returns back to her rigid motive which is save the King and her new born prince.

Every thing is so tragic so u gonna prepare some tissue and punching bag while watching the whole episodes. 

The way she weeding out all the reprimand coming towards her, how she endures the pain, how she elegantly shuts everyone is so satisfying to watch. She slay!

I love how the stories brings us into sort of fighter soul in Jang Ok Jung. Palace is indeed her league. She doing her best and I adore of her incredible determinations.

That explains how vigorous her character was. I stan strong woman. heheheh

King Lee Soon

For King Lee Soon, he seems to be strong, bold and brilliant from the very beginning and his character become even cooler and cooler as the episodes passed by. Some said that they hate his character when he being cold-hearted with his decision. But girl, things happened in good way even it is unpleasant to our eyes.

I see nothing in King Lee Soon but charisma. He acted his role as a diligent King. Even his decision is unfavorable but I think that is what King should do in decision making and problem solving process. His cognitive level of thinking deserve appraisal. I'm tired of seeing character in many Saguek drama whereby the King act immaturely, weak, rash and reckless. When facing conflict, unlike other King's character, King Lee Soon to be very rational, political wise minded, do not bluntly trust from one side explanation and take an easy path. I like the line he utters after the death of the prime minister who also his father in law as well the person who always against him in everything that he did. He said it to Queen Inhyeon that, her father taught him many things and he is the one make him stronger as a King.

I realize the fact that he never take an easy path. The more people against him, the more powerful he become. Even the person who against him, is the highest person in retainer and even he is his own father in law!

There is a mind-blowing scene that I couldn't forget when he pretends unconscious for quite long period of time just to let the true color of his retainers emerging on surface. 

The way he plot his plan with Prince Lee Hoon is superb! 

Actually I suspect the similar. I was thinking, how if the person who coming to the main hall where all the retainer sit, is not a new King but actually King Lee Soon himself and King Lee Soon purposely plan to pretend unconscious before. 

And turn out, boom! King Lee Soon appear in the hall. 

And I was like..'as expected'. 

I coming to these prediction considering his clever and credibility of him from the very beginning and my mind goes like..'he must be planning something great in behind'. 

His meticulous mind is outstanding. 

When he flashback the previous plan, I got goosebumps seeing him smile cynically while sleeping unconsciously.

And I have come to realize, he indeed owns a very wise political mind and will not easily let everything slide. 

I would say that, he is one of my favorite King character in Saguek kdrama.

I found the both lead character as well the whole casts are fascinating!

I'm gonna leave you to watch the whole story by yourself to actually feel it.

==============================================================

Remember when I said that I have been holding the tears for the whole episodes?

Thinking that there must be a hope  that the ending will sooth my heartbroken feelings after all these 23 episodes.

But, it seems like the director having no sympathy towards the audience. Hahahaha. They break our heart into broken pieces indeed!

Reaching to the ending, 

On the last episodes(episode 24)..

I finally 

cried my eyes out! 😭

I was  speechless

It's like dejavu!

The ending shoot me right into my heart 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

The ending wrapped up the history life of Jang Ok Jung who sacrifice herself for her loves one with blood and tears!

The loooong tragic journey of Jang Ok Jung in history!

Mentioning my words that I'd stated earlier..

"I would not have watching this if I knew it will turned out this way",

I eventually learned 

that watching a story like this is like listening to the bird's singing.

I shouldn't focus on how sad it is when the bird stops singing, 

but instead, embracing the memory, of how alluring it was from the very beginning, singing with its beautiful voice 

It was a roller coaster riding indeed that it forced your heart to watched it until the end 

In spite the ending and saddened scene, the beautiful message behind is immeasurable!

Trying placing my heart at ease and cure my sorrow feeling, I come to my sense knowing the fact that both King and Ok Jung actually sacrifice themselves for each other at the end, but the fate brings one of them to end their life.

But the fact is there. King love Ok Jung and sacrifice his position and Ok Jung love the King that lead her action. 

Knowing them love each other that much is truly the best things to remember and I'm here, trying to smile after bird stop singing.

I'm gonna end here cause I definitely feel lump in my throat now. My chest feel so tight that 

I deeply moved by the ending of this incredible masterpiece, 

Jang Ok Jung.❤

How's Life?

 I tend to think something random when I'm alone

Have u ever feel empty?

Again.

I feel uninterested into everything especially something 'fascinating' 

I saw my scarves in various tone of color

Why i need so much scarf when I only have one freakin head

I saw my blouse and shirts in my closet

why did I bought many of them when I only have one body

I have my own car but I don't feel it's mine

I love it, I pay for it every month but I don't really take care of it or even use it

I hate seeing fancy things 

Birthday celebration party

Bouquet of flower, chocolate 

cakes

shimmering and all those beautiful clothes people wearing for FB photo

I sick of hearing girls began to whine when they refuse to wear same outfit for 2 different Instagram post

I hate seeing people posting about their vacation and check in 3 or 5 star hotel

I hate seeing people sharing well served and appetizing meal on their table with flawless visual

Don't get me wrong

I don't envy them at all 

There is no point to get jealous since I don't even interested to any of it

I just feel suffocated

I don't say it's wrong

People posted for so many reason

I have no right to judge anyone here

But personally, I couldn't help but to say that 'I hate to see all of that'

My level of hateful is not trying to hate people, but I merely hate the atmosphere

My hateful drove me to a stand which 'I'm not gonna involve in that kind of things.'

I'm not sure what kind of world we were molding into?

It's even more sickening that I'm one of the person who involved in this sh*t atmosphere

I might be the one who ever shared those unnecessary things thru my social media for trivial cause but

In fact,

Deep in my heart

I hate doing it.

Not only hating posting it, even having those 'fascinating' things in future will make me feel loathsome towards myself. 

that is possibly because I don't deserve that things. 

I prefer simple and moderate. That's how I live.

I really hope that no one gonna throw fancy party for me regardless for what occasion because I deeply dislike it.

GREY

 People who telling me to keep doing what I like is worth keeping.

In my low moment in life when I feel like giving up everything, 

that person not just telling me to keep my chin up

sharing me a motivational clip to watch 

but

they told me to just cry whenever I feel like crying

They didn't ask me to stop crying, continuing life and ignore everything right away

That is escaping

Instead, they ask me to just let the tears out, 

That is embracing

when I feel like I'm not interested in everything in life, the person asked me about the things that I like to do 

I say, 'writing'

'then what else?'

'watching some drama n movie'(which I don't avid to do before)

I added..

'listening song'

These excite me other than anything else 

'how about sketching?'

and I answered..

'sort of'

They said, 

'then...do it'

and I

....................................................

Wait

What kind of gesture is that?

That 

is 

soo 

powerful.

people said, 'blood is thicker than water'

but having these kind of person who doesn't related to me thru blood,

telling me to 'write' 

and consoling me like we are in same womb 26 years ago, 

is indeed GREAT.

I aware that, even my heart no longer into anything else but writing, that is a good sign

Even though I'm suffering with this desolation, but as long I'm still writing pieces, 

I'm still a human.

But if I quit writing, 

I'm already 

died 

inside.

Like a pity soul waiting time passing by 

doing nothing hopelessly.

Feeling nothing, just empty.

Seeing nothing 

but 

grey.

PURITY: Secret Love Affair (2014)

     

My heart extremely heavy 

But I don't cry

It's just there. Lump in my throat 

Last night is the final episode and 

I was speechless on how engaging it was

I rarely see a top notch acting skills like that

To the script writer, we need to talk 😅

I off my phone, have deep thinking afterwards and sleep.

This morning 

I woke up 

My heart ached!

As if I was having a tormenting phase yesterday 

All of sudden

I  felt some tears rolled down my cheek effortlessly 

*****************************************************************

Yes

This drama literally giving me a breakdown!

The poignant scene keeps appear in my head

again and again

How piteous that drama was, that it drags me into isolation feelings

Might also because of pandemic mood where loneliness already surrounds myself recently

Is this drama plays as a catalyst that continuing rip my feelings?😂

I'm not a cry-baby

I rarely cry over a drama/movie

As I cried several times only, I usually vividly remember when did it happened 

especially for the recent years

One was in The Doctor, when Park Shin Hye's grandma died

The other one is in Descendant of Sun  when a labour worker died in earthquake

I cried once, during Shin Yul read the will from Hwi Young in Chicago Typewriter

I shed my tears several times in Tough as Iron for the mother-son sad scenes 

as well as in The Throne when So Ji Sub dancing in the last scene.

But this time, it is quite bizarre

I shed no tears along the 16 episodes but crying only AFTER finish all the series

It indeed left a remarkable feelings inside my heart

a very deep one.

I called it a masterpiece and finally decided to describe it into words.

I don't overlook this kind of art this time. I watched it and I felt it.

I was thinking, there is no use if I watched thousand of kdrama or movies 

but the affection between the 

leads doesn't left a remarkable feelings in mine.

So I would say that,

this is the 

BEST 

ROMANCE/MELODRAMA 

I HAVE EVER WATCHED IN KDRAMA!😍

Immersed calmness of 2 lovebirds playing invisible
piano on bridge. Hauntingly beautiful.

I realize that this kind of romance love story rarely exists in Kdrama recently

I'm longing for some 'realistic' atmosphere 

I started to become less interested into the shabby one

There were a lot of Kdrama that served 'untouchable' and 'runaway supermodel' looks 

for the main casting 

There were also a lot of

cliché romance story where a girl met a guy and hate each other 

then the guy purposely patronizing the girl, 

make her hate him so much more just to hide his feelings,

and the guy seems always appear as a savior 

in every hard situation the girl encountering,  

then they suddenly falling in love, 

started develop feelings, 

then they become a legal couple and start dating, 

having a good time,  holding hand, hug, getting married, 

having a satisfy happy ending that 'you want it to be'

I'm not saying those are not good

Some Rom-Com series are fun to watch

I sometimes prefer that kind of love story, when I just want a light-hearted drama

But Secret Love Affair(SLA) surprisingly having a different dynamic, 

the unique one, 

unusual love story

I would say it is a mature relationship

that make me realize...

 'Love' indeed has a broad spectrum in life

Purity 

is the first thing that come across my mind 

when picturing about SLA

Ironically,

Secret Love Affairs is not as nasty and cheap as it might sound

'Affair', 'Age Gap', 'Forbidden Love'

Yes. All of these elements do exist but 

that's not all of this drama was about

They will bring you to a whole different and fresh perspective instead

and u will see something unfold along the series

Some declined it beforehand just because the female lead way older than the male lead

But don't judge it too early . It is a clear warning

U will end up madly in love with them even in the first episode

It is incredible 

This drama is skillfully written,  having very thoughtful line, directed expertly by the production.

The cinematography is outstanding!

If u happened to watch some indie movies, u will feel the same vibes in this drama.

The camera angle is really something!

Every particular angle, lighting, prop are very carefully placed

Watch it again and again

The angle purposely focused on the message they want to express

Spoiler: The trembling hand, the way Sun Jae wipes the floor, clean the seat, turns Hye Won's shoes inwardly in front of the door, softly prepares mattress and blanket for Hye Won, Sun Jae's eyes looking at Hye Won without saying a word,  and the list goes on

They were soooo detail and sharp.

It is one of a kind

Characters, scripts, instrumental, everything

I'm not even hit the fast forward button for the 'piano scene playing' although it took 10 minutes on that 

I found that it was not a mere pianist hitting the keyboard 

If someone asking me who is the character whom I like the most in Kdrama that I have ever watched, 

I will definitely say, 

Lee Sun Jae. 

Now I knew, why my heart got stirred after finishing this series. 

First is because of the piteous love 

story and the second rigid reason is definitely because I feel madly in love with character Lee Sun Jae. 

Have u ever feel this way? When u totally falling for a 

character. How pure, pious, original, sensitive and genuine is the character the drama served. 

Lee Sun Jae is molded in that particular way where you can see no holes but only perfection in his 

imperfect personality. 

His character will make you move with tears every time he shed his tears in silent. 

Maybe this is why we called this as a melodrama.

It will breaks the stereotype and stripped off the belief of toxic masculinity.

"a man must owns a tough heart and should not express feelings. "

How cruel is that to deny the man's right. Regardless gender, 

we laugh and cry. We enjoy and endure. That is how normal  people live. How 

can we consider ourselves as an normal human being when we can't express our own feeling 

towards life. 

Lee Sun Jae doesn't exaggerating 'too good to be true' heroic character

He just there, being honest and 

REAL. 

Lee Sun Jae is an abnormal character for Kdrama 

but undeniably real character of a 'person'.

Who is Lee Sun Jae?

Lee Sun Jae is not rich and even born in an inadequate house with his mother and not having too 

many friends. He lives in a mundane and moderate life and he seems having no issues with that.

If u have watched his previous movie/drama, The Punch, Tough as Iron, Chicago Typewriter, 

Veteran or another Sageuk series,

he seems to appear as a high-strung, powerful, full or rage, hot-tempered young man. 

Saying vulgarity words, cursing, getting mad easily and stuff. But in this drama, 

he never curse or say dirty words. 

His mother raised him very well. 

Spoiler:

There is a scene when Hye Won visits him and asking about his mother. Hye Won praised her mother 

for raising him well. Sun Jae nodded and laughed. He added "I don't curse much like my friends do". 

He seems so proud to been raised in that way by her mother.

In spite of his moderate life, he indeed owns a beautiful heart

After finishing school, he doing part time job which is service delivering  

As a courier boy, no one 

having ideas about him and no one acknowledge him as well. His life is so simple. He just has an old, 

classic piano left by his former tenant at his renthouse. 

But the fact is, he is indeed a passionate genius pianist 

who is a self-learner, studying piano score sheet by his own but able to play piano 

as if he is in his own world and capture thousands heart!

  

Talking about the character, there is a clash between the character of these two main leads.

Audience can see that Hye Won seems so strong and bold inside and outside. Indeed she is strong, 

skillful in her job including as a Piano Teacher as well as her high position in the institution. She 

belongs to upper class woman.  

But she is actually 'keeping skeleton in her closet'. 

It slowly dragged her to live such a prison life for years. She hesitates to 

left everything and would rather live that way. Her life is mysterious and audience need to dig in more 

to figure out how did her life encapsulating everything and how her life gets Sun Jae 

to involve along in the midst of politics, power gap, corruptions, orders and 

conflict that trapped them in.

Hye Won's character develops so precisely started from the beginning.

Unlike Hye Won, Sun Jae seems soft outside and inside. I have no idea how he speaks his dialogue 

with vibrating and slight nervous voice tone. The way he speaks his line makes me forgot that he is 

Yoo Ah In who is bold and strong character outside. He really disappeared into his character. 😨

Looking to his way of expressing his dialogue, I remember how Shah Rukh Khan(SRK) 

nervously utters the line in Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham when he confronts Hritick Roshan, 

his brother at London. 

With trembling voice, Rahul asks his brother Rohan at the lake, 

"is father send you here?"

"how u lost your weight?" 

"i know mother loves me more than u", 

with teary eyes but chuckles a bit with smiling at the end. It's so mesmerizing. 

That is my 

sensitive point. I love SRK character when he speaks with vibration and nervous voice tone. 

Seeing Sun Jae in Secret Love Affair put my heart at peace as I love his way of speaking.

He looks like afraid but trying to persist forth of speaking his mind. 

He is brave but never left his nervousness behind. He just speaks 

his mind without thinking of consequences. I love that audacity. 

In fact, he is bold and scared of nothing. 

He is not a coward. His character is bluntly honest, he never hold back, he just say it loud and clear 

that makes him even more attractive as a man. 

He is only 20 years old in this drama, yet, owns a very mature and simple mind. 

He has another level of view to define 'life'. 

He even several times, provokes Hye Won, his love one about the 'life perspective'. 

When he speaks, he speaks his heart but seeing her love one cries makes him even more hurting but he 

still persist to convey his view without hesitation. 

He is honest and don't bother others. Just busy mending his life and embracing love in 

front of him. What he cares is 'piano' and 'Hae Won'. These 2 things complete his life. 

His desire is to love and being loved by Hae Won. That speaks his actions and words.

I'm not sure if this kind of human being truly exist. 

How he portrays his love by emotion can be seen when he feels hurt 

even more terribly than his woman feel. 

In this series, we can see there is so many time Lee Sun Jae show his devastation

and  frustration every time he watches Hye Won hurting and sufferings inside. 

I rarely found this kind of gesture in another romance drama before. 

I mean, u can see the guy helping the girl, save the girl in

 danger, when that guy get angry whenever those antagonist character hurt the girl and stuff.  

But it's hard to find a guy who deeply feel what his girl feel. 

This is the things that I want to emphasize.

Sometimes what a man can do is hugging and consoling the girl. It is more than enough to be with your 

girl in her low moment. Even though u can't immensely feeling deep into your heart about what the girl 

feel, a man who tried to console his girl deserves plaudit. I'm gonna give credit for that.

But to truly feel what is churning inside the girl's heart is unusual and not as easy 

as saying 

'I love you' 

or 

'it's okay, I'm here with you'.

Truly feels what the girl feel is beyond hugging, patting her shoulder and saying comforting words.

I mean, if men has that capability of truly feel what the girl feels, that is a bonus point for them.

When a man feels her girl's feeling, he already diving into the bottom of her heart and he is right there, 

in her shoes.

Even it is difficult to truly be in someone's shoes, Sun Jae can do that, effortlessly!

He can truly feels what her woman feels. That is the how far a love can do!

His eyes, his silent crying, gesture speaks his heart! 😭

Even the gesture already proving his love and understanding.

Talking about gesture,  there is a few remarkable scene that left me unexplained feelings. It touch me 

right into my heart.

It's every time he cried silently watching his woman hurts as if he is the one hurting. 

Spoiler:

It's when he slowly covers his ear with his trembling hand when hearing Hye Won is forced to say 

something that she didn't want to utter from her mouth during the media interview. 

 She found that his woman is terribly pitiful by saying that word. All is fake and not true at all but she 

has to do it for the sake of interview in front of the media, husband and colleague when in fact, 

she had never having a happy marriage with his husband. 

His husband aware it as well and asking Hye Won to play along as a lovey dovey couple 

in front of lenses.

Sun Jae knew that and he aware of his woman's ambience of marriage life. That what makes him hurt 

seeing her suffers and uncomfortable. 

He also feeling hurt seeing that, so the pain is double. What he 

can do is hold his feeling and burst out tears on a brick wall on the roadside afterward.

This is ultimate heartbreaking moment of Lee Sun Jae. U will never seen an actor crying his heart 
out like Yoo Ah in did in this whole drama. He cried quiet many time in here. His cry is incredibly natural and melancholy!😭

Spoiler:

There is a scene when Hye Won reveal what she's been doing during her past twenties life span and she

 mentions several horrible terms/words  that Sun Jae had rarely familiar with and it hits him really hard.

 'social class', 'help the rich spend money', 'elegant slave',

 Not because of the word. But the fact that, even hearing to it, is sickening, how about the person who

 endure it? It is even more painful!

That makes he shook up to realize that Hye Won went through a lot more terrible life in her twenties 

even until present. (unfold story)

She utters the words while smiling cynically, without batting an eye, as she thinks that it is her fate to 

live in such life. But Sun Jae who is hearing that, can't hold his feelings. 

His body is shaking, his hand is trembling and his voice quivering trying to reply Hae Won after 

hearing those things.

 Hye Won scolds him for being emotional like a kid. He can't resist because it hurts him so much. 

Right after Hye Won leave the piano room, he then cried like a baby! 😭

This is not about a guy being clingy or anything people might thinks but it is the fact that he can't stand 

seeing his love one suffering. What a sensitive pure soul. 😭

Whenever Sun Jae expresses his love thru tears, my eyes nearly popped up out and I slowly muttering...

"no way! he definitely loves her more than she loves herself!!!!"

That is soooooo crystal clear! U can tell.

I even fall in love with Sun Jae when he never care about other person. 

My favorite line is 'I'm not the one who dance in front of people to impress them'. 

I was moved several  times in this drama. One of them is when Sun Jae mention that he meets so many 

people everyday, but  they didn't even acknowledge him, they didn't care him and he 

don't care about 

them either. But Hye  Won is the first person listen to him playing piano, even playing with him,

 asking about his life, 

acknowledge him. 

He even said that after he played piano in front of people for the first time after years playing alone 

in his house makes him feel like born again!

What he wants in life is 

'he wants to play piano' 

and 

'he wants to play piano for Hye Won'

This is what his life is about. The competition, the championship, the university he's entering into is all 

because of her. She is definitely his muse, goddess teacher and lover. 

For me, Yoo Ah In is weirdly attractive that he can successfully brings this side of a man's character 

into a drama 

He can fully portray the character 

as a young man who madly in love with  someone 20 years age gap from him. 

I mean, there are many more incredible actors out there but to portray a love for an older 

woman is extremely difficult and I personally think that the actor who suits this is, one and only Yoo Ah In. 

Even  Kim Hae Ae also mentioned that there is no young actor can carry this character 

except Yoo Ah In. 😍

For Kim Hae Ae, I have no doubt for her absolute talent. She is so elegant and versatile actress and I 

even respect her more and more after watching Secret Love Affair. I can't name a senior actress who is 

incredibly natural like her and there is no other senior actress that can replace Kim Hae Ae as Hye Won😭

She is acting but it doesn't seems that she is acting because it looks so real! 

Kim Hae Ae and Yoo Ah In 

is a perfect match ever...

As I explore their characters, I have come to realize that their characters are really something. 

I watched it and I see only Sun Jae and Hye Won

Now I understand the difference between 

carrying the character 

and

become the character

They both totally become the character

When they speak their dialogue, they looks like murmuring. 

I heard Yoo Ah In once said in an interview, that when acting, he usually 

don't speak the character in a proper way. He sometimes purposely slip his tongue to utter his dialogue. 

That makes an acting become natural, real and not turn it into NG take. I guess actors should saying the 

character in more natural way. I mean, sometimes, when normal people talk, we didn't really utter the 

words clearly and don't say it one by one like we are reading a script right? 😅

When two people talking, they talk 

naturally with natural gesture as well. That is what Sun Jae and Hye Won did in this drama.

When they hold each other, it looks soo casual and looks like they are not acting at all.

Kim Hae Ae is super skillful and proficient. An older woman dating a younger man

 consider as a taboo in Korean society or even worldwide culture, but u  can't even dislike her. 

I buffered at first. 

Am I truly gonna watch 16 episodes of drama where a woman pulled a character of  

40's dating a 20 years old boy? Like for real?

But the thing is, I have no freakinnn reason to dislike her. 

Instead, I fall in love with her character even more!!! 

I got hooked to see her more and more 

she is definitely my girl crush.😍😍

 She is indeed a goddess and they looks like a couple that is fated to be madly in love with each other 

Their chemistry is already reaching another level and it is sooo mesmerizing.

 I think, true powerful love is when both man and woman falling in love 

simultaneously from the first sight. 

That's what happens to Sun Jae and Hae Won. They both just clicked from the first meeting 

but both of them hides the feelings at first for a greater cause. 

Hiding or confessing doesn't matter here. What matter most is we 

know they both already falling for each other at the very beginning. They both found charm in each 

others' personality. That tells everything. 

I love how both of them define 'home' in their perspective. Hae Won calling Sun Jae's house 

as her home even the fact that her mansion is way bigger and fancier 

than Sun Jae's house. But she mentioned that whenever he went to Sun Jae's small house, 

she feels like staying longer  as she never feel that way in her entire life. 

It is 'being with Sun Jae' and 'calm feeling' in the house that what makes her think so.

Spoiler: 

In the last episodes, Sun Jae also mention that Hae Won is his 'home' so that he had nowhere to go 

because his 'home' is right in front of him . I found that is sooo beautiful and sincere.😢

In the last episode as well, Hae Won mentioned in front of everyone about Sun Jae who 

devoted himself for her:

"It's not that he gave up his life for me and gave a romantic confession but what he did is he was

 busying wiped his floor and tried to provide clean seat for me. But then I realized that I had never 

receive such devotion from anyone in my life.  That I had even considered my self as a mean of 

success.. me who had abuse myself into misery...". 

Then Sun Jae smiled pleasantly. That smile enough to show that he was never wrong loving a 

woman in front of her eyes. 

And my heart, breaks as her voice breaks! 😭

What a poignant line ever! 

Then, the drama coming to the end elegantly. 

I honestly felt a little bit shocked and experienced instant emptiness once I finished this kdrama 😅

Yoo Ah In once responded regarding the ending of Secret Love Affair during an interview 

and I was nodded in silent. 

Word...😢

It might be a satisfying and it might also be unsatisfying kind of ending.

You decide.

But one things I would say is, 

it was indeed sooooo beautiful and the journey of the plot is captivating.

A drama that tell us

how a true love looks like

It's beyond word and act 

It's about heart, gesture, maturity, devotion, sense of belonging, etc. 

Much love for Kim He Ae and Yoo Ah In for bringing Oh Hye Won and Lee Sun Jae alive. 💓