Self Affirmation

Why still write even nobody read?

People having no idea, on how writing can rescue a person during low moment in life

When someone couldn't even lift up the blanket to start a new day

The soul is going somewhere and failed to find the way back

Then writing become the only thing that someone can do 

in order to keep them survive thru the days 

It doesn't worth money, fame or attention

Just self affirmation 

We used to do something to overcome our sadness and sometimes we let people to step in 

We expect them to at least react to reassure our present 

Hoping someone notice and help us out

I used to do that as well

Reaching other people to help us

It's all about surviving, mate

Nothing is wrong with that

You do you

But at this level, I no longer wait for people saying some comforting words or react to whatever I'm doing

I don't need other people's approval to proceed or continue what I want to do

To pat on my back, telling me "good job" or "it's okay"

I don't need those approval

I guess this is sort of freedom that I have successfully achieved 

I rarely invite people to look around and visit

or even doing blog walking, dropping my link for them to follow

If  I have time and energy, I would love to do that like every single day

I love to that that cuz it's like a therapy 

Meeting people like me 💘

But sadly, I can't make it into my daily routine 

That explains how lazy I am

I don't bother if nobody come to read because I do it because of me, myself

But if there is anyone come and read, I couldn't be happier 😢💗

Dancing in Rain

Well, yesteryear, when it was the first time I wrote, 

I thought, leaving some footprint in here, should be cool

At least, I don't need to scroll down on my Facebook to see, what kind of person I was

The photos I left there and the captions soo cring to read

But in here, emm, it's okay lahh, because nobody gonna judge me about what I wrote 7 years ago

and I don't expect even a reply of my hi-5

I feel free

I just busy mending my own issue and don't care about others

It's just like dancing without anybody see

Silly!

But I just do it anyway

Still come here, writing pieces as if I'm special case or something 😂

In fact, I got no specialties!

I stated in my "Author" section at upper right panel

or probably in my very first entry in 2014

"passion", "pouring thought", "inspired by another author", etc.

ouch...cut the crap! 😆

Those are true peeps, but there is another 1 reason that drove me to sign up and create a blog to write

Actually,

1 of the reason why I started to write back then was because 

I did feel lacking in some aspect in my life

I was...emm..around 20 at that time

It was when I'm not sure if I did the right thing, taking the right course in my degree

I remember felt lost, carrying the past regret, 

series of failure on my back

I'm not pretty, smart, rich   

I'm not sure if my family still proud of me like they used to do when I was in primary school

I was not doing well during studies 

I felt low

Not an outcast but simply unattractive

I grew up with typical upbringing with no special or unusual moment in my life 😅

I don't have exceptional talent oso

Same to what I feel recently

So..

I was thinking at that time, how if I just do this

At least I have something that I can do, 

enough to make me feel valuable towards my own self.. hehe. 😄

What do I do?

 

People in my age are having sleepless night 

worrying about why their newborn didn't pee after 3 hours

Some others happily growing their toddler

There are some of my friends who started to jump from their workplace 

after several time contemplating

There also got several of them got promoted

and my old friends quit job to focus on their online business

When I look at them, I don't look with an envy eye

Cause I know, that it just the matter of time

I feel rather proud and respect 

So what do I do?

Should I feel left behind?

Sometimes yes

But we all know, some people might have A but they don't have B and vice versa

I realize that the timeline we have is so very unique 

Let them be, it's their time

I'm just here, enjoying discover my new jam

I'm okay listening to Radio Gaga by Queen while doing my work

reminiscences my old tale that I created by my own when I see rain drops

Repeating my buffer moment whether to open my PC or take shower first every morning

Whether to iron my hijab or just put on ironless one every time going out

Continuing scrolling my new favorite online outlet that I just found out

Sometimes I open my phone note, deleting and adding new point of to-do list that I plan to accomplish 

Every night, staring at the dark ceiling, 

thinking of my stupid thing I said to people and let that sink in.

Door

I spent too much time worrying about what I yet to own

I feel hurt when I can't get something that I want
I feel sad when my planned is ruined
I afraid it might be stagnant for too long

I had never feel so pathetic like what I currently feel
I feel sympathy towards myself who almost lost herself, waiting for something she never had
I keep wondering with never ending possibility lingering in my head
How if I stuck forever?

I feel my soul paralyzed even physically,
people see I'm moving from one condition to another while in fact, I'm not
I waste my time, energy and emotion until it took away my current happiness

The smile that I'm making

The laugh that I'm faking 

Nobody know my silent battle 

Wasted!

I lost myself several times when I supposed to put love in whatever I'm doing

My precious time not deserved to be treated that way even a millisecond

I need to move
to find my true happiness and what I want in my life without depending on others
But I'm not sure if I need to move forward with whole reformation
or
going back to my old self,

genuinely sufficient

My mistake is  not because I close my door and window
But it is because, I constantly let myself, 

keep peeking through the window,
every single day
I hope something that I want, come over and say "Hi, I have arrived"

That makes me disappointed everytime it didn't make it to my front door
At the same time I don't want it to feel guilty that it unable to come over

There must be circumstances that I tried to consider 

I have learned to wait 

I have learned to consider 

I learned a lot to understand others 

At least I'm learning something new and I'm not regret 

Because I know, a test that Allah gives to me is to train myself to be a better person 

I hurt many people along the way

I break many hearts 

I'm being inconsiderate, immature and sometimes take people for granted,

just because something, that I never attain until now 

Enough is enough 

I don't want to hurt anyone again and again 

I hurt myself as well 

Thus, after learn so many things, this time, 

I start to learn how to be nice with myself more

Not hoping too much on people

I want to break free from expectation

I don't want to peek through my window anymore, because I believe that
if it belongs to my life, it will knock the door

at the perfect time 

I need to detox myself from negativity and afraid of losing
I don't need to tie my beloved one so that it can't run away
I don't need constant peeking anymore

I need to replenish my empty soul by myself
I need to learn to be alone
Not because I lost hope to anything
But because I want to be stronger by my own ⚘