When Sun Rises Again

I wrote similar entry in here about losing interest towards life, few weeks ago

It slowly gone and I'm recovering 

but then

I realized, there is minor debris left in me 

still

While doing self reflection

a.k.a self pillow talk, before sleep, 

I found out that 

I don't even feeling fully contented during that whole day

Lying on my bed, staring to the ceiling fan, reciting du'a and again, 

I sleep without having excitement for tomorrow

I don't feel like rewarding myself for my hard work for that day

And I don't think I'm worth the oxygen I've got for today either

The sun rising again with pink cloud in the east

I'm waking up, staggering on my feet 

and started my morning routine 

but still in my head and my heart, 

it's nothing but emptiness

I started doing chores, writing, posting and stuff

Just to be a productive youth I guess

But I'm doing it with scarcely happiness

I feel so lame and it was so cloudy inside

I still remember how cheerful and energetic I was, during college

With an endless to-do-list and struggling soul, I moved here and there so furiously 

to complete the day 

and sleep with mixed feeling every night

My chart was so colorful with abstract ups and down emotions

Sometimes I cried and rushed

I was always a last-minute excellent performer 

I don't know why, but the chaotic ambience of mine, make me feel ALIVE 

at the end of the day I still can smile proudly as it was finally settled 

and I was planning to strive again tomorrow

How bright I was back then!

But now, I waking up every morning,

and started my work as usual

listening to my favorite song 

playing in the background 

I humming along with the melody 

The foreign song seems easy for me to catch up and memorize

I once dreamt of learning Mandarin and improve my existing Arabic language which 

took me forever to start over

I heard that foreign language can make our brain stimulate, 

enhance our creativity and make us think fast 

Mingling with foreign language can make us intelligent and bright

That's exactly what I need at this very moment 

as I always feel dumb, lagging behind and piteous recently

Basically I feel I'm lame and uninteresting person

That's how low and demotivated I'm right now

hhhahahahaahahah

I can't wait my roommate coming back everyday

my eyes sparkling every time she said she will be working from home 

as I really need people to talk to

even it was gibberish, we still laughing together at that repetitive stupid joke

We cracking up freely like no other neighbors listening

This is probably how adolescents slowly hitting on me

I suddenly biting my lips and get frown

Like..dear...

How unstable and pathetic is that?

Depending on other human being to change an ennui day.